112: Why Being A Control Freak Isn't Always a Bad Thing

Roula (00:00)
We know that we are not perfect, not you and I, I mean as a human being.

Rosie (00:05)
Excuse me, I

am perfect, but continue.

Roula (00:10)
I love you for that. That's why I make a podcast with you. Okay. And we, we tackle topics that mostly are supportive, et cetera. Mostly. I say mostly.

Rosie (00:12)
I don't actually think that, yes, continue.

Do we? I don't know.

Roula (00:40)
All right. I want to ask something today because I want to support the misfit, if we can call it.

the control freaks because I think no matter how harsh we are on people that we think they're control freak, each and single one of us is a control freak in something.

Rosie (01:05)
This is true. Yeah. I won't admit that again, but yeah.

Roula (01:10)
and as a control freak yourself.

Rosie (01:14)
Excuse me?

Roula (01:16)
I'm gonna hand the mic over to you.

Rosie (01:22)
It's easy to judge and call people control freaks when you feel like they're trying to take over the situation, make all the decisions, micromanage, all the things. It's seen as very negative, but maybe we do need to cut them some slack or cut ourselves some slack because yeah, both of us Roula can be control freaks in big ways. Maybe we need to approach this with some empathy. Why?

Do you become a control freak in the situations when you do? Why do you think you do that? There's gotta be a reason.

Roula (02:00)
What pops in my mind? So you're asking me to answer or is it a rhetorical question?

Rosie (02:02)
Yes please. No,

it's an actual question.

You just can't wait to talk.

Roula (02:13)
The first thing that comes to my mind, no, two things. And the more I talk, three things, two things. Fear of letting go.

and trust in others.

These two for me, if I think on the thing that I'm control freak in them, this is my thing. My fear of letting go of something, of a feeling or whatever. And my trust.

Rosie (02:54)
Yeah. And as you were talking, I was thinking, hang on, what is a control freak? It's a term we throw around. So what do you think a control freak is?

Roula (02:57)
What?

This journey put me on this

Control freak is when we are doing a task and please guys, didn't Google it. It's just my opinion and I'm sure you have your opinion too. When we have a task or a fear of something that we want it done our way, because if it's not done our way for us, it's like the whole world is gonna.

be falling apart.

Rosie (03:47)
Mmm.

Roula (03:49)
Also control freak can be someone who really want to control everything because they don't want anyone else to do it their way.

Rosie (04:04)
Hmm.

Roula (04:05)
their

way or the highway.

Rosie (04:07)
Yeah, yeah.

Roula (04:10)
These are non-Google, non-wicked, non-chagypity definitions. Real life definitions.

Rosie (04:14)
from the Dictionary of Roula.

Yeah,

and I'm not actually sure how to articulate what I think a control freak is because when you said the whole my way or the highway thing, I was like, well, yeah, but is it that? Because I'm going through my head when I'm trying to control a situation, I think I really care about it. First of all, I don't want it to go wrong. And yes, there's fear there.

It's very important to me. I'm not doing it because it has to be my way. I'm trying to eliminate as many unknowns as possible. So that could look like me asking lots of questions. So Roula ⁓ what time do you want to meet next week?

Roula (05:07)
9 a.m.

Rosie (05:10)
9am, not quarter two.

Roula (05:15)
No, why?

Rosie (05:17)
Well, I'm worried that we've got lots of things to plan and ⁓ that we're going to run out of time.

Roula (05:24)
Okay. Now I getting your point. You want to control the time we meet because you want to control the outcome and the outcome is to have enough time to record.

Rosie (05:26)
This is not going the way I thought it would because you're... You get the point?

Right. And that's probably in both of our interests. And I think a lot of people, like if you didn't know me, you'd go, why? We always meet at nine. Why are you asking me that? And why are you saying quarter two? Like you might get your back up, but you're someone who leads with curiosity and asks the question. So the conversation wasn't confrontational at all, but I think it can come across as confrontational.

Roula (05:58)
No

Okay, Rosie, I'm going to take over and give you a true... No, no, no, because the time is not making the time stop. Okay, I'll give you... I'm going to give you an example that probably every person can relate to. Okay. In a household, in the household, we load the dishwasher in a certain way.

Rosie (06:03)
Okay, go on then. We're not taking it in a good direction. Yes.

I'm making it boring.

Okay, yes please. Yeah. I'm struggling.

yeah, yes!

Roula (06:29)
And we are control freaks about how we load the dishwasher. So when someone else come and load it, you would see us. And I'm saying in general, it could be the one or the other. It doesn't matter who's loading the dishwasher, but then other person in the household will come and reshuffle because they think they know how to load the dishwasher better and they want to control the loading. So they put as much dishes in it.

Rosie (06:33)
Mm-hmm.

or pisses me off.

Right, right.

Roula (06:59)
because their control over the dishwasher is beyond ⁓ understanding that it's okay if it's not done the same way.

Rosie (07:07)
So why does it matter to you? Cause I can relate to this. I haven't had a dishwasher in years, but I can relate to this. I have a very specific way of loading the dishwasher and I get very upset if the rules are not followed.

Roula (07:20)
But every person have this control over dishwasher. Every person think they do it better.

Rosie (07:20)
Yes, but why? Why do we get so... Listen

to us. We're so heated and we don't even know how the other one loads the fucking dishwasher. Why does it matter so much to you how the dishwasher is loaded?

Roula (07:36)
I don't want to sound arrogant. Now I don't care because I have two dishwashers. So it reduced the control freakness of loading a dishwasher. But when we had one, when we had one dishwasher, ⁓ yes, that was my first requirement in the new house.

Rosie (07:38)
Okay, that means you are going to...

Wow, two dishwashers.

You

still can't get over that you have to.

One each.

Roula (08:03)
OK, loading the dishwasher is a control freak operation. Maybe this episode should be about loading the dishwasher because this kind of everyone will relate to it. ⁓ Loading it. We think, I think I know how to put the order of the plates, not only to put as many plates as possible, but that they don't touch each other so they all get clean. The spacing.

Rosie (08:10)
Okay, yep.

Yeah, there's spacing. Yeah.

Roula (08:30)
And the forks, the knives, all these are done in a specific way so everything will get clean. And then someone else would come and I'm not saying my husband because he really does a great job after being together for 12 years. Come on.

Rosie (08:34)
Yes. Yeah.

I'm

He's learnt to do it your way, otherwise it's the highway. ⁓

Roula (08:53)
No, not this one. Not this one. I send him the highway. And then if someone else, it's like losing control over all these thoughts in my head about how I am envisioning the dishes being cleansed in the dishwasher. And this example of the dishwasher relate to other thing. Our thoughts on how we want the result to be. This is why we want to control the action. Loading the car, going on vacation and loading the car.

Rosie (09:15)
Really?

Roula (09:23)
We also have this control freak about how to put the things because one put them better than the other. So we can put as much stuff as possible and still look in the rear view mirror and see the car behind us. And who does this better? This is where the control freak power is in game.

Rosie (09:32)
Yeah.

oof

oof and when do you give in as the control freak should you give in or do you just stick to your guns and like no this way's best okay yes i've been doing a lot of question asking

Roula (09:54)
I'm going to ask you this question.

Rosie (09:59)
it's something i find difficult but

sometimes other people ⁓ are quite good at different things that i think i'm the best at and

Whilst I won't go, yeah, let's do it your way straight away. I'll say, okay, explain to me how you want to do it. And then I'll like interrogate and ask all the questions. often, yeah, and often I'll be like, yeah, that makes sense. Let's do that. But I am not going to take it at face value. You can't just tell me we're doing it this way and that's it. I need to understand why.

Roula (10:20)
still see you doing this.

But this is where I feel trust comes in play.

Rosie (10:38)
⁓ yeah, okay.

Roula (10:41)
Because when someone is telling us we can do it differently their way, first, we just don't want to give in and do it their way. No one wants to admit someone else do things better. And then we lack of trust in this person that they also have the best interest in this task.

Rosie (10:53)
Mm-hmm.

Roula (11:02)
We think we have the best interest and they don't. So we don't trust them.

Rosie (11:02)
you

I don't, I

disagree. don't think, for me it's not trust. It's just, I need evidence. And it's not about whether I respect you as a person. It's, this is how my brain works. I need to understand. You know, use the stupid example. If someone tells you to jump off a building, are you gonna do it? No. But what if it's, we're wearing a parachute, there's a fire or someone's running after us, they're gonna kill you, jump off the building. And I'll go, ⁓ okay, that makes sense.

Now I understand!

Roula (11:39)
Yeah, okay, okay. I see why you're disagreeing because you're just a control freak. You want to control the conversation. I understand that.

Rosie (11:48)
You've enjoyed saying that far too much.

Roula (11:52)
⁓ I love you, Rosie. Even if I say these things, you don't take me seriously. Do you? All right. All right. This topic we have in a way it's good to have control to be control freak on some things, but then we set our standards in a way that make us happy.

Rosie (11:55)
I don't know.

Yeah, it is about having standards

and actually control freak. Why are we calling people control freaks? We care. We're not being to hurt them.

Roula (12:18)
to hurt them because they hurt us.

They're not listening to us. They don't want to do it our way. They don't want to delegate.

Rosie (12:24)
so it's

all, it's about pride and ego. Is that what it is?

Roula (12:30)
Yeah, both of them.

It's the two-way street.

Rosie (12:35)
Pride, ego, trust, faith, whatever. But, ROULA!

Roula (12:40)
a wonderful

song, Two Way Street by Mark Lenigan,

Rosie (12:45)
look it up because I have no idea what that is. But what I wanted to say before you rudely interjected with your song recommendation Roula you better load the dishwasher my way or we are having an argument.

Roula (12:59)
repeat it again and I've said it on so many episodes before. If loading a dishwasher is a condition to meet in person, I'll do it your way.

Rosie (13:08)
You doing it? Yeah. See how cool's

that. But you know what? I actually really want to learn how you load the dishwasher because maybe it's better and we can like debate. That would be fun.

Roula (13:19)
I'll make a video of it. Okay, okay. We started on Control Freak. We went into the dishwasher debate and loading the car. It's so relatable for any person. And these are the domestic Control Freak abuse.

Rosie (13:21)
you

Yeah

You know what? I'm so

glad you took control of this conversation, you control freak, because the direction, the direction I was taking it in was a disaster. I wasn't getting my point across. And then you just went, no, no, Rosie, excuse me. We're talking about this. And you know what? There was trust. I went fine. Okay.

Roula (13:39)
Okay, please can you delete what I said? Hold on.

But that's the thing.

These are our ad hoc topics. You're not always ready with it.

Rosie (13:58)
Yeah, but I'm trying to give an example. I'm trying

to give you an example of that was really good. You took control and I trusted you enough to go, yeah.

Roula (14:08)
Wow, when you put it in these nice words, I appreciate it. Thank you so much.

Rosie (14:08)
Hmm?

Cause it would have been a disastrous

episode. Let me tell you, it was not working, but here we are. You saved it. We're talking about being a control freak, dishwashers, loading the car.

Roula (14:15)
Yes.

Rosie (14:23)
So, yes.

Roula (14:24)
I mean,

it's not a matter of life or death.

Rosie (14:28)
You sure about that?

Roula (14:32)
where if I look at you, it might be, it might be, really, really. And we will always be control freaks in some stuff. That's okay. But the whole point at the end that I really feel I want to share is that I'm teaching myself that too, I'm not working on it, is that when we feel that someone is a control freak on something, ⁓ instead of resisting them,

Rosie (14:33)
DEEHEE

Yeah.

Roula (15:01)
Embrace them, hug them, love them, because yeah, when someone is going through this control freak moment, they are not, we are not in a good place. We're scared.

Rosie (15:03)
to understand.

Yes! Yes!

my gosh, yes! When we're being a control freak, we're not in a good place. We're scared. It's coming from a place of fear. ⁓ my god. It's about keeping ourselves safe. As silly as that sounds, because it could be a dishwasher situation, but...

Roula (15:23)
Yes.

Yeah,

it could be at work doing our job. We're scared that someone will screw up our work and we don't want to anyone to help us. It's very wide. Yes. So let's have some empathy.

Rosie (15:36)
Mmm, mmm.

Be nice, be nice to the control freaks

in your life and just admit to yourself that you're a control freak too everybody. Let us know, what are your thoughts? All right, catch you next time.

Roula (15:49)
That's it.

Rosie (15:54)
boy!

Roula (15:54)
Le fric,

c'est chic. Freak out!