126: Do You Really Want Friends Who Challenge You?

Rosie (00:00)
Fabulous.

Roula (00:03)
Cool. Here we go. I have an interesting one, think. So, Rosie.

Rosie (00:04)
la

once.

Roula (00:13)
Do you think having skeptical friends in our life is beneficial or is confronting?

Rosie (00:33)
No, I don't like skepticism.

Roula (00:37)
Mmm.

Rosie (00:38)
I don't like it.

I I'm trying, my thoughts are forming. Skepticism, think having moments of skepticism is fine, but just like anything, if you are someone who identifies as a skeptic, I'm not sure I want you in my life because I like to lead with empathy and curiosity and I don't think being skeptical aligns with that.

Roula (00:42)
Can you build on it?

Rosie (01:09)
I think it's important to have friends who ask you difficult questions to challenge your point of view. But that doesn't mean they're skeptical. They're comfortable to challenge you and maybe having friends who perhaps are more realistic.

can be helpful. I'm someone who can run away with my dreams and I get very excited. And it's annoying talking to a friend who was more just a bit more risk averse and in inverted commas realistic, whatever that means. But to have someone who's skeptical like you're never going to be able to do that. No thanks.

Roula (01:49)
⁓ interesting. these are two sides for it, because now that you describe, yeah, I don't want to have a friend say, you're never going to be able to do that. But yeah, this is this is a friend putting you down, not lifting you up.

Rosie (02:05)
yeah.

Roula (02:07)
Which means my question, and using the word skeptical, is more about a friend who would challenge us, who does not agree with everything we say.

Rosie (02:14)
Well, I love people who challenge

me. That's why we're good friends. You don't give a shit about saying something that might offend me or make me stop and think. Not that I said that wrong. You are not, sorry, I did not say that right at all. That makes you sound like an asshole. You have the courage to say things that might be confrontational because they challenge my point of view. You're not afraid to do that. And I love that.

Roula (02:28)
Thanks for rephrasing, please. ⁓

Rosie (02:44)
You're not just going to agree with everything I say.

Roula (02:48)
Yes, and do you know what happens most of the time? Not in our context. Friends that are challenging for us, we don't know how to deal with it because we think in general that friendship, if you're my friend, you must support me. And supporting me means saying good things to me and agreeing with what I say. So you avoid that I feel bad.

This definition of friendship exists big time because if we look, if I look at my history, whether it was me who got offended or another friend who got offended, the real issue in the friendship is when you speak up with your opinion and the other person, the other friend doesn't like it. This is where friendship becomes, let's say on the line because it's hard to have someone

Rosie (03:18)
Hmm. yeah.

Mm-mm.

Roula (03:47)
holding the mirror and in the mirror it's showing you the not the beauty of you but it's showing you what you really should be looking at.

Rosie (03:50)
yeah.

the reality. Yeah,

I think that is true deep friendship and I think I'm right in saying this. I think most friendships are not like that. You might not even find that person.

who can do that for you.

because it's hard. Yeah. It's hard. Yeah, I was just going to say that. ⁓

Roula (04:20)
Yeah, yeah. It's hard on both sides. hard. It's

continue. I like your words. You have beautiful. You put them in a nice setting. Yes. I just like it. My T-shirt. So I keep staring at my T-shirt. Go ahead.

Rosie (04:28)
Are you like my words, dammit? I should have shut up!

It's so cool. It's so cool.

The t-shirt, by the way, everybody is Alanis Morissette lyrics. I'm high, but I'm grounded. What song is that from? I'm not good with song names. It's not Jagged Little Pill, is it?

Roula (04:49)
background

I don't know the title of the song.

Rosie (04:57)
Neither. Okay. Anyway, that's what's on her shirt. Yeah. One hand in my pocket. The other one's smoking a cigarette or giving a high five or something. I don't remember the lyrics. Anyway, she's, she's boss. you don't know, I go look her up. Um, but yes, it's, we are side weighing. Side weighing. It is difficult on both sides to give that.

Roula (05:01)
One hand in my pocket. No, I don't know. You one hand in my pocket.

or... ⁓ we're... we're side-weighing.

Rosie (05:28)
Frank feedback. It can be quite blunt because you can't sugarcoat these things because that's when the meaning can get misconstrued. You have to have the courage to tell your friend, hey, I think you need to take a look in the mirror because what you're doing right now is actually self-sabotage.

That's a scary thing to say. And then the person receiving that feedback.

It can be quite easy to take that as a personal attack.

So you gotta learn how to take on.

Take it on when people challenge you or say something that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Roula (06:14)
Yes, because try to ask why they're saying this. What do they see? What if that person is skeptical? And I'll give you a real life example. The most challenging person in my life and taught me how to deal with this is my husband. He's not the person if I come to him with whatever emotion problem, et cetera, he's not like immediately agreeing with me. He wants to know the facts.

Rosie (06:31)
Mmm.

Roula (06:43)
Why do I feel like this? Why am I making this decision? And he started asking me questions. And at that point, I'm so pissed. I just want a hug or I just want you to agree with me. And, you know, it's this validation moment. But then, yeah. And then he challenges me. And of course, in the beginning, I didn't know on which side are you? Or do you not trust my decision?

Rosie (06:50)
Yes!

Yeah.

think that's okay too. Those moments are okay, yeah.

Yeah, sometimes it feels like they're

against you because they're asking questions.

Roula (07:13)
Yes. And with

time, I learned this is the best conversation to come out with a good decision or have a better perspective of what I'm doing. So yes, after so many times not understanding the point of it, we could find a way to do this that I accepted or he accepted. And it's hard because receiving

Rosie (07:26)
Mmm.

Yeah.

Roula (07:43)
someone telling us what we are talking about is bullshit or what we want to do is is not fully studied, fully researched. It means we're not doing a good job. It has something to do with our self-esteem. And if we think, OK, I need at the moment a challenging friend before I make my decision, that would be awesome.

Rosie (08:02)
Yeah, yeah.

Roula (08:13)
And it would be nice to ask this friend. So when we have a friend and we want to talk about something, it's good to give them this authority to tell them, I want you to be challenging. I don't want you to agree with me. I want you because it's more often than not, they will agree. These friends.

Rosie (08:24)
Mm.

Yeah.

Roula (08:31)
Because the friendship to go deeper, there must be some friction and these create frictions.

Are you still following me?

Rosie (08:42)
Yeah, I was trying, I'm sorry. You could tell I wasn't listening. I'll tell you what I was doing. I'm sure we have, I was listening, but I'm not very good at multitasking. So don't question me on exactly what you said. I'm sure we have done an episode where we were talking about challenging people and I can't find it. I was trying to find it, but yeah, there is a tension and it is difficult and you do need practice to get better at both giving and receiving this feedback.

Roula (09:02)
Mmm.

Rosie (09:12)
So I would say, no, I don't want skeptical friends. And we now know that when you said skeptical, meant friends who challenge you. Yeah. So are we in agreement? Some skepticism.

Roula (09:21)
With some skepticism, skepticism

is good because no matter how extreme their skepticism is, it will trigger us to think if we want to, if we're open for that.

Rosie (09:29)
Okay, it's like a-

Providing it

comes from a good place, right? If they're being skeptical because they have our best interests, I think that's perfect. If they're being skeptical because they're an asshole, bugger off, I don't want you.

Roula (09:51)
I would love our listeners to share their experience on this matter. What do they like and how they see a friendship? Should it be challenging? Maybe not all friendships, some of them.

Rosie (10:01)
Yeah, let us know.

Ooh, yes. think it'd be exhausting if every single friend was one that challenged you. I'd be like, oh my God, just give me a break.

Roula (10:08)
Yeah

Yes.

Rosie (10:14)
This is so confusing. Do you appreciate friends who challenge you or is that something you're really not comfortable with?

I would say I am better at challenging people than I am at being challenged, if I'm being honest with myself. I say I like to be challenged, but it doesn't mean I find that easy. Not at all.

Because my gut reaction, my instinct is to get defensive.

Roula (10:52)
I love this. I'm going to add this to the podcast. It's such a valuable thing you're saying. I like to be challenged. It's so cool what you're saying, because if someone's going to challenge me, I want it to be someone I look up to. Someone who's on my level of thinking, this friend, because some friends are for fun and other friends are for deep conversations. You know, each friend has a function in my life.

Rosie (10:57)
You sound so surprised.

Yeah.

Roula (11:19)
And a friend who's going to challenge me is someone that I trust their decisions, that I like what they do in their life and how they live their life. Because if these persons are challenging me, I feel that I'm taking it from you because I see you doing the right thing in your life. But if a friend is going to challenge me when I think they live a life that I wouldn't want for myself, then I would be less keen on taking that challenging question or whatever.

Rosie (11:42)
Yeah.

Yeah. Why would you listen to someone challenging

you if they're leading a lifestyle you don't respect or align with? True. Barb says, I don't like confrontation. So sadly I tend to listen, but not be opinionated and tell them how I feel. Oh, yeah.

Roula (11:52)
Yeah.

Barb,

this is an episode. I think this topic is so valuable, Barb. Yes, we must have an episode about confrontation because I hear you, Barb. It's so in like it's engraved in us to avoid confrontation and keep the peace. Yes.

Rosie (12:11)
Yes.

Yeah. Yeah.

And now you've brought that up. I just said I was better at challenging people than I am at being challenged, but, confrontation just, it's scary. It is scary. Very much so. I can relate to that. And Rula has her pen and notebook out, Barb. I wish I could show you. And she's scribbling down this idea. We have this whole document on our phones that we share that has all episode ideas. Look at them all.

So it is being added onto there. she's writing it down, but she will add it to the list. Won't you, Rupa? Yes.

Roula (12:57)
Now she's listening. It might be our next episode.

Rosie (13:00)
true. Barb says it'll be a great episode. Well, should we roll into that episode, Roula Okay. We'll hit stop

Roula (13:03)
Yeah. Yes, let's roll into it.

On this note, we will end the podcast episode, but not the live stream.

Thank you for listening to the podcast.

Rosie (13:13)
let us know those of you. Yes, of

course. Always. Thank you.

Roula (13:19)
Bye!

Rosie (13:20)
Bye to the recording. Hello to TikTok.

Roula (13:23)
Yes.

Rosie (13:24)
Yes.