128: Is a Big Age Gap in Relationships a Problem? Cultural Perspectives on Love, Age and Gender

Rosie (00:00)
Yeah.

Roula (00:00)
But we can have only rain in the summer. That's the problem.

Rosie (00:02)
Only Rone, that's

depressing. Carly said it snowed where she is yesterday. So for our international listeners, it does snow in Australia. Carly, where in Australia are you based? Yeah, see, really, you didn't know either. Because it's winter here currently, where I am, we only have wet season or dry season. There's no such thing as winter here. It just is hot all year round. She's in regional Victoria, so she's down further south.

Roula (00:08)
where? Where is that,

⁓

No!

And is it cold during the day?

Rosie (00:34)
We'll ask her, Carly, is it cold during the day?

We're educating RULER here.

Roula (00:41)
Because Kailash cannot hear me?

Rosie (00:45)
Well she can, I guess I don't have to repeat do I?

Roula (00:46)
Okay.

yeah. All right. While she answers, you tell me ⁓ what's your question?

Rosie (00:52)
Yes.

Age gap between lovers. You've written this one on our thing. That's the same one you wanted to do? Okay, cool. It's been about five degrees all day where Carly is. That's pretty chilly, right? Yeah? Yeah.

Roula (01:15)
It's the same that I now want it. Yeah. Exist. Yes. Yes.

⁓ cool. Yeah.

I wonder. OK, I have other questions. I'm going to skip them now because this is going to take very long. I wanted to know if their houses are prepared with heating and.

Rosie (01:35)
Okay.

Australian

houses are not, not really built for winter. Not really. ⁓ Anyway, that's, that's a whole, whole side mission. But put in the chat, I'll tell Roula after Carly, if you have central heating, because I know some states do, most do not. Okay. Roula. Yeah. I thought I was lover. Thank you. Let me ask it. Spicy question for you.

Roula (01:44)
Yeah.

Okay.

age gap between lovers or partners? You can ask.

Rosie (02:10)
You like spicy food. What are your thoughts on large age gaps in relationships?

Roula (02:22)
⁓ yes, large age gaps. This have, for me, has a societal part and sexual part.

Rosie (02:33)
Mmm!

Roula (02:38)
Okay, where I come from and the Middle Eastern culture, I don't know if, and now it's Okay. The last 25 years, but back when I was still living there 25 years ago, there was something that if a girl turns 30 and is not married, they try to find her an older man so she can marry, look after him because she's not going to have.

Rosie (02:45)
Okay.

Roula (03:07)
a young guy anymore or her age. And I'm saying guy because it's all heterosexual there anyway.

Rosie (03:13)
right.

Roula (03:13)
So the age gap and in partnership, the large age gap has been a topic all my life, a frustrating topic. All right. On the other hand, if an older woman have a younger, like 10 years or something younger partner, she would be the talk of the town.

Rosie (03:20)
Mmm, mmm, okay.

⁓ okay. Why?

Roula (03:43)
because she's shameless. The immediate idea that comes to the head is that, but this is so contradictory. So if the woman has a much younger partner, then she's so sexual, she's shameless. She wants someone to perform, toy boy. And if when the man has much younger partner,

Rosie (03:46)
She's shameless.

⁓ okay, gotcha. Right. To Toy Boy.

Roula (04:10)
they see her as a holy person. She's a virgin because he if he's older, he won't be performing sexually. She will be taking care of it. Then it's acceptable. We don't know if this is true, though. Maybe he's older, but he's still very good and active and whatever. ⁓ And this is the cultural part of age, large age gap. The other. Yeah, sorry. Go, go. Now it's your turn to talk.

Rosie (04:23)
Real.

Yeah

You sure? Okay, yeah, shut up. First question before we continue, what classifies as a large age gap in your opinion?

Roula (04:39)
because I can take over the conversation. I'm going to shake my coffee.

I have no idea.

Rosie (04:51)
No, neither. I'm not sure.

Roula (04:53)
I'm five

and a half years older than my husband.

Rosie (04:56)
Have you been judged for that?

Roula (04:59)
No! No.

Rosie (05:00)
No,

I wouldn't consider that a large age gap.

Roula (05:03)
No. But what's a what's a large gap? OK, I'm going to be I'm going to be very like honest in what I'm saying. If I'm talking about how I feel about a girl, because I know myself when a girl is in her mid 20s and going in a lifetime relationship with someone in his 40s.

Rosie (05:11)
Yes, please.

Roula (05:31)
Yes, in the beginning it could be attractive, but now I know better. The more we live together as partners, the more we have to work harder to stay in love, to have things in common, to grow together. But when the gap is 10, 15, 20 years, this growth together can be difficult. I'm not saying it's impossible. I'm saying it can be difficult.

because I believe every 10 years in my life, I'm a totally different person. So it's playing catch up with the other person who's already, let's say, in a phase of having a quiet life, stay in, go to bed early.

Rosie (06:15)
Are we stereotyping

there though? Are we stereotyping? Cause I feel like, so I'm, I'm 33. You're going to let me talk. I know you were about to talk then, but I feel where I am in my life right now is probably where the typical person is in their mid forties.

Roula (06:35)
Are you the rule or the exception? Is there something general?

Rosie (06:38)
What? No, that's what I'm saying. I

don't, maybe the exception, but I think we're stereotyping. and going back to culture, Carly's just said age gaps are fairly normalized in Australia and she sees it a lot. And I think she's probably right. I often see it when the male is older and it seems to be more socially acceptable when it's the male that is older.

Roula (07:07)
Correct.

Rosie (07:08)
Yeah.

Roula (07:10)
I agree with that. I don't know if we're stereotyping. This is the reality of the society we live in.

Rosie (07:11)
Mmm.

Yeah, yeah. And I think we all, we all have different experiences with this. Like Carly's just put in the chat. She's, she used to date older men and I've dated older men eight years older than me. And I've dated, you know, my last relationship, they were three years younger, but the gap felt like more than a decade maturity wise, because where I was at in my life was totally different. So I'm wondering, does it actually have anything to do with age? And

Roula (07:45)
Listen.

Rosie (07:46)
Yeah, I'm listening.

Roula (07:48)
I think you're going to tell me I'm sexist, but this is not because it's scientifically proven. Some things are scientifically proven. The woman brain is different from the man brain. How women develop is different than how men develop. Women mature quicker than men. And this is not something we can, and I'm not saying everybody, in general.

Rosie (07:51)
You're sexist.

really? I will be looking up the literature.

Okay.

Roula (08:14)
scientifically where the studies have happened because so far the studies are happened on men and women and there are more and more now studies happening on our brain but also on our cognitive behavior. So I think when girls are looking for an older partner in terms of male it also could be a woman. It could be a gay couple. When they're looking for it's because they're looking for some kind of maturity.

Rosie (08:25)
Mm-hmm.

Roula (08:43)
that they're not able to find in the younger or in their age. ⁓ What do you say? People their own age. There is a better English to say that. In the age range, OK, so there is a need for some maturity. Also, what plays a role is that older men with a status, they find a younger girl as an accessory because.

Rosie (08:51)
Yeah, I don't know.

Roula (09:10)
It means it is part of their success to have a younger person. It's no, no. Women who wants to have younger partner are women who wants to live a life. They're not looking for financial security.

Rosie (09:14)
Wouldn't it be the same for a woman if she had a young po- No!

Roula (09:29)
It's, this is why they call a woman a cougar, when she's older than having a younger. And this means that they are feeling the freedom of having a younger person to live what the older person would give them. Yes. Yes. And we, think we talked about this before. Age gap, there's nothing wrong with it. Nothing wrong with it. The society makes it so complicated.

Rosie (09:40)
Ooh, breaking free of society's expectation.

Roula (09:59)
And I believe because we change so much in our lives, I believe we, it's so religious and so holy to make a promise, I will stay with you in sickness and health till death do us part. And I don't agree with that because we live, yes, we live our life. And if now I have a partner who's 10, 15 years older than me,

Rosie (10:16)
yes, that's a whole other episode, but yes.

Roula (10:25)
And at certain point, it's not what I want in life because our differences are so big, we're not able to see eye to eye, to communicate better, we're not growing together. I want to have the authority to step out of the relationship. We should not set anything in stone. It's another life experience.

Rosie (10:38)
Yeah, there's no shame in that.

Yeah. Agreed. Agreed. And I'm going to throw a curve ball in here because we've got another comment in the chat. Carly realized that she dated older men, get this, because she had deep rooted father issues that came, that, you know, she kind of unpacked in therapy. So our behavior and who we we gravitate towards in a partner.

It can be quite complex. It's not always just society's expectations and what's acceptable. There's also our life experiences and you know, our messed up shit.

Roula (11:21)
But this also could happen with the same age partner who, let's say, have some right-wing thoughts. That's also an extreme. And that means that we probably are searching for something that we're finding it in that person with these ideas. So I'm not downplaying the father ⁓ issue, but this is thrown a lot at women. Daddy's issues.

Rosie (11:25)
True, true, true, true, true.

Mm. Yes.

We're searching for something.

Roula (11:49)
It is thrown a lot in so many ways. despite that it is a reality, it could be really daddy's issues. These are experiences that shape us.

and maybe help us also to come out of these issues. Not everything we do in our life is a bad decision. It's a learning curve.

Rosie (12:13)
Yeah, it's

a learning curve. Let's stop being so philosophical though. Is it okay to be in a relationship with someone significantly older? For example, I've got a dear friend, she is in a relationship with somebody 25 years older than her. And this isn't a personal question for her. she's so happy. Yeah.

Roula (12:30)
Is she happy?

So good for her.

Yeah, that's the bottom line. If you're happy, you're happy. I only hope that we give this happiness to people and we stop. I say we, it's maybe the society or because recently, a few years ago, I heard people talking about a younger person who's being in a relationship also with an older man, 20 years older, and everybody had an opinion.

Rosie (12:38)
Mm. I agree.

Yeah, I get it.

Not just after the money. Yeah.

Roula (13:09)
And now I see them, they're the happiest they ever can be together. They're beautiful couple.

Rosie (13:12)
And isn't that what life is about?

Yeah. Yeah. I don't think age should be the number one deciding factor. It can be confrontational to see because we're not used to it. I think that's what the bottom line is. Yeah.

Roula (13:26)
Yeah.

And we're being judgmental just like our other episodes when we talk about is it okay to be judgmental? And that's okay because if we're judging someone who's in this age gap relationship, this says more about us than it says about them.

Rosie (13:30)
hell yeah.

You've been saying that a lot and it's true. It does say more about us, ourselves, than it does about the other person when we react to something.

Yeah.

Roula (13:54)
Darling, for the podcast listeners, we're going to wrap it up and tell you, well, let us know what you think of Age gap Is it a no-go or is it an okay thing to do? And we'll see you next time. Bye.

Rosie (14:09)
Bye!