133: Stop Setting Your Partner Up to Fail | Communication in Relationships

Rosie (00:00)
Okay.

Roula (00:00)
Alright, here we go.

My goodness, what's going on? Like where, where?

Rosie (00:07)
We're in sync. That was cool. Bit of a harmony.

I saw something on social media. No, I didn't have the note that time. And I want to talk about it. Cause I seem to have a different opinion to everybody in the comments. So I want to know your opinion. ⁓ It was a post ⁓ about a wife getting upset with a husband. Okay. So the wife ⁓ asked the husband to get a few things from the shops.

Roula (00:24)
Rosie! Of course!

Okay.

Rosie (00:49)
So bread, milk, washing up liquid.

And the husband goes, anything else? And she pauses. No, I don't think so. He goes, okay. And he comes, he goes to shop and he comes back, bread, milk, washing up liquid. And she's pissed off at him. Why is she pissed off?

Roula (01:11)
have no idea why.

Rosie (01:12)
No, neither

did I. I'm like, I don't get it. I go to the comments and everyone's going, he didn't bring back the chocolate. And I was like, but she didn't ask for chocolate. But every single comment, ⁓ he didn't get the chocolate. And so in their mind, it's justified.

I don't get it. What's your take on this?

Roula (01:37)
I have I read so many posts from women being so angry at their husbands for things. Women want men's I mean, OK, let me start with this. This is not a sexist episode. This is a real episode because I am a woman and I'm fed up of reading messages from women bashing their husbands.

Rosie (01:45)
Mm.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Roula (02:03)
Because they

just did not read their mind. This is one and second because the woman have never built the kind of relationship with her husband where she give him the trust to go and get whatever he wants

Rosie (02:07)
It's one of

Yes, that's true. Mm-hmm. Right.

Roula (02:20)
Whatever he will come back with, it will not be good enough. OK,

so this is the episode about women. Please, please stop bashing your husbands. Why are you with them anyway if you want to bash them about groceries? What kind of life is this? So she and you know, he asked her what else she could have been angry. He asked her what else couldn't he see? Couldn't he look, go and see?

Rosie (02:36)
Mmm, mmm.

Yes, that's what the

comments were saying. And then someone else said, well, I want him to be thoughtful. He needs to be thoughtful. I shouldn't have had to tell him that I wanted chocolate. And I thought, yeah, how can he win? I wouldn't have got her chocolate. I mean, maybe, but no, I wouldn't have. Like if I got home and they were upset with me, I'd be like, well, that's not fair. I asked you if you wanted anything else. You said no. If you want something from me, tell me.

Roula (02:54)
Wow. Poor man. Poor husbands.

know about other generation I know a little bit but I don't want to go into that now because then episode would be very long my generation is that yeah the ladies in my generation they're so freaking stuck in their ways

Rosie (03:24)
Talking about my generation. You know that song?

Yeah.

Roula (03:37)
I'm not generalizing, but if I look at the facts, if I look at the facts of the groups that I follow and how many women from my generation bashing on their husbands, it's 90 % with very few complimenting their husband's behavior. And maybe, ⁓ I think women think social media is the place for them.

Rosie (03:39)
You are, but, mmm.

I think it's the same for my generation.

Roula (04:05)
to let it all out on their husbands. I think they think the social media is servicing them to be rude towards their husbands behind their back. This person, if their husband would read this message, how would they feel? It's so horrible.

Rosie (04:07)
Mmm.

Mmm.

Right.

Roula (04:23)
What was your reaction? You said you had a different reaction.

Rosie (04:27)
Yeah, same as you. When the post said, well, you know, what did the husband do wrong? I thought nothing. He did what you wanted. And then I went to the comments, because I'm like, I don't fucking understand this. Saw all the chocolate comments and saw woman after woman after woman after woman going, he should have been thoughtful and got me something. He should know that by now. I shouldn't have to tell him. And there were men in the comments going, well, you didn't ask for it. And I was on their side.

Roula (04:49)
Wow.

Rosie (04:56)
If, how do you build a good relationship without good communication? I don't think it's possible. If you were just expecting someone to know exactly what you want and when you want it, it's ridiculous.

Roula (05:16)
Women, want men to read their minds and to do everything the way they do it.

Rosie (05:20)
Yeah.

Roula (05:23)
This is what women want. They don't want to make the nice understanding is that how your brain is working is different than how man's brain is working. Yes, we can multitask, men can't, but also at the same time, if you tell them what you want, they will do it. They will not say, no, I'm not going to do it. It's so easy.

Rosie (05:45)
Funny that, funny how that works. Well, they might,

but then it's, well, I asked you to do this and you didn't do it. And then there's basis for a conversation there.

Roula (05:56)
Yes, yes. I have read a message in this realm and I want to talk about it too. There's this woman complaining about her husband who's spending hours on their grass in the garden, spending loads of money to buy stuff to fix the grass. And she's so annoyed. She's so pissed at him. I'm like, so what do want him to do?

Rosie (06:03)
Yeah, let's hear it.

Roula (06:24)
Do you want to go and fix the grass?

Rosie (06:27)
Really?

Roula (06:29)
Do you want to hire someone to fix the grass? Or do you prefer that he watch porn rather than do grass? Or that he just wants football rather than what's what's about the grass? That's annoying you. She said, Oh, he's so obsessed with it. What do you know about that? Have you explored how much work the grass takes to make it green and healthy?

Rosie (06:54)
and why he's doing that.

Roula (06:57)
And why is he doing it for you, for your house? How? Yeah. So I'm like, if he's watching football, you will complain. If he's watching porn, you will complain. If he's doing the grass, you will complain. If he's working on anything, home improvement, you will complain. What do you want from him?

Rosie (06:59)
Alright. Takes pride in how the home looks and wants you to have a beautiful yard. Mmm.

I don't think they know.

Roula (07:21)
What bothers me is that the other tons of messages are talking about how bad it is that he's doing the grass. But I couldn't understand what's the point. I don't understand the point. Why are you so upset?

Rosie (07:37)
Why do we default to complaining and placing the blame on other people? Because that seems to be the norm.

Roula (07:41)
Because no,

it's not the norm. It's in this relationship, people did not work on their relationship and then they're irritated by whatever the other person is doing. And because women want the man to be a mind reader, they want them to know what they want without saying anything. After all these years, they should have known. No, because even if they do what they think you like, you will not be happy.

Women are not happy with what men are doing for them because they want them they wanted their way.

Rosie (08:15)
Mm.

Roula (08:17)
And there's nothing wrong about saying to the husband what you like and asking him to buy it. If you want chocolate.

Rosie (08:23)
Yeah, what's so wrong with that? Maybe it's because that's

not very romantic, Rula. Well guess what? Relationships are hard fucking work. Well true, this is true, yeah.

Roula (08:29)
You can also be very playful. You can be

playful. And when he asks you, do you want something else from the shop? You can tell him, how about get me some flowers?

Rosie (08:39)
Yeah. There's different ways to do it. Yeah, true.

Roula (08:43)
Whatever. Invent something. Play, be

playful. Yes, it's so painful to see how many women, but you know, and this is scary because ⁓ boys reading these messages and men reading these messages are also feeling resentment for women.

Rosie (09:03)
And it's planting the seed of men versus women. Why can't we be a team?

Roula (09:06)
Yes!

Yes, they see it. There was also in this group, another group that I'm in, the woman said, ⁓ this was so, so impactful for me. She's in, she's in the medical sector and she's in peri- menopause expert. When she went on a convention, usually this convention is mostly women and this time there were men too and she was very pissed. How can they be in the convention for menopause?

Rosie (09:28)
Mm-hmm.

Roula (09:40)
This is something for a woman. And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? How beautiful it is to have men interested in our menopause and want to be educated and help us get through it. With my first birth, we'll have 50-50. When I was giving birth to my eldest daughter, my first birth, I was terrified.

Rosie (09:49)
Mmm.

And we live with men! That,

Roula (10:04)
At that time, it was obligatory to give birth at home in the Netherlands unless you have a medical reason to go to the hospital. So I was very scared giving birth at home. And then the midwife said to me, stop being so dramatic. You're not the first woman or last woman will give birth. That was a woman saying this to me. With my son, I was at the hospital and it was a gynecologist, a man. He held my hand and said to me,

Rosie (10:10)
Wow! Okay, yep.

Wow.

Roula (10:33)
We will get you through this. You're not alone. Don't be afraid. And if to put it in context, I'm very scared of giving birth. This is like the most satisfying thing for me. And I have three kids naturally born. Very scary. And that was a man.

Rosie (10:44)
Yeah. Yeah.

Roula (10:49)
So

we really have to, as you said, Rosy, I'm so, I hope we can like promote this even more, most, more often. We want to work together, men and women, and accept our flaws and help each other to elevate them, to do better.

Rosie (11:03)
Yeah.

Yeah,

yeah, together.

agree.

Roula (11:12)
ladies

stop complaining about your husbands. Go and check in with yourself. What do you want from them? Be honest, be loving, be respectful. And for guys the same except look if a man say to his wife you're making me feel in a certain way then yes you're making him feel in a certain way come on. And the woman the same. The bottom line here listen to each other because at the end

You are making someone feel something and accept it. Do better next time.

Rosie (11:46)
Right. Yeah.

Who are you to tell someone how they feel? Because are you in this marriage or whatever to build a relationship or not? Surely it's about building a relationship. Therefore, why are you whinging, complaining, placing the blame on them? There's two people here.

What are you gonna do about it?

Roula (12:06)
And of course,

all this come up when people are not having their needs met, whether it's sexual, whether it's emotional, there is under, there are layers to why women get so upset at their husbands, husbands do. And instead of making your life about doing groceries and who's cleaning up the dishes, go for a walk together.

Every day, have 10 minutes walk together. It doesn't have to have any conversation. With time, you will start opening up about these things and talk and start to remember how to enjoy your life together. Because you are clearly not enjoying your life together and hanging on to all these chores.

Rosie (12:56)
Yeah. Yes.

Roula (13:00)
Live a life that is worth living.

Rosie (13:03)
Thank you. Yes. What Rula said. We'll catch you in the next one. See ya!