165: Not a headache it’s a migraine. A raw rant exposes what this chronic pain really feels like

Roula (00:01)
Hi, Rosie.

Rosie (00:03)
Hi, are you wearing a Lenny Kravitz t-shirt? Damn you're cool!

Roula (00:06)
Yes, I am.

you're gonna go my way. And I also like wanted to record with my glasses on.

Rosie (00:15)
yes. Wow. Are you hungover or something? True. I can see the reflection.

Roula (00:16)
Because I'm like, you know, why not? If I'm wearing Lenny, I might have wear the glasses too. Sunglasses.

That's so funny. OK. I'm so glad we're recording. I feel I need this moment of chatting with you and record, of course, because I'm going to go on a rant today, not today on this episode. But I don't know if you call it a rant what I'm going to talk about. But here's the thing. Let me start.

Rosie (00:41)
⁓ Mmm.

Okay.

Roula (01:02)
I get very happy because my husband and his buddies are spending this week in Greece. They're having a vacation. ⁓ and I so enjoy having time for myself with no one at home. So I counted that every morning, every day after I bring Liam to school. from eight 30 till one 30 almost just me and I so look forward for this time. So what happened?

Rosie (01:09)
Wow.

Roula (01:32)
Even the day before my husband left, my migraine started. And it only stopped yesterday in the afternoon.

Rosie (01:37)
Nah.

And it's Thursday today we're recording and he left when? Monday? Tuesday. ⁓

Roula (01:45)
And dive.

Tuesday, Tuesday.

And my migraine started on Monday.

And I think my migraine got even worse because I was thinking, shit, now I am going to have a few days that I will be out and then I'm going to miss out on all the things that I looked forward for, which are being alone at home. And I had a migraine a few weeks ago, remember? So I was also out for four days.

Rosie (02:18)
I do, yeah. You get them a lot.

⁓

Roula (02:22)
And so why I want to talk about this, why I want to talk about migraine today is because when I say I have a migraine, people say, yeah, I had a headache yesterday or last week. And what I want to say on now on this podcast, shut the fuck up because a headache is not a migraine.

Rosie (02:31)
ugh

Yeah. I, yes.

Roula (02:43)
Don't you

dare tell me you have a headache. Because if you haven't had a migraine, you don't have clue how paralyzing it is.

Rosie (02:53)
Right. Yeah. And I better be careful here. I have never had a migraine, but you are the second or third person I have in my life who suffers from migraines. And just when I hear it described, it sounds debilitating. It is nothing like a headache. Headache is like nothing. And so when I'm talking to you or my other close friend, the third person I know I'm not really close to, I

I'm very careful not to whinge when I have a headache because if I was you, I'd be like, like you just said, shut the fuck up. come on. What are you, what are you talking about, Rosie? A little headache. Go have a Panadol. Like you'll be fine.

Roula (03:33)
Yeah, go have a faparadol, sleep it off, it will go away. ⁓ A migraine is something that I had since I was 19. And if I think back, how much of my life I missed. I missed out weeks of my life because I was just TKO. And after I recover, I need a few days to recover because then after the migraine,

Rosie (03:36)
Yeah! Right.

Wow.

you

Roula (04:02)
I forget things. My brain needs to go back in normal flow. And after that, you can tell people if you have 15 days a month migraine, which I'm glad I don't have this anymore. They say the older you get, and I can't wait to have my menopause. So I heard it goes away. Anyway.

Rosie (04:05)
Wow.

Really?

I hope so.

Roula (04:26)
I sat facing friends at dinner smiling and laughing while I was dying inside. I managed teams, delivered reports, took care of my kids morning, day, night. I have put a smile on my face day after day because when I say I have a migraine, people don't understand that I cannot function. I'm just doing this because no one

gives me the permission to quit my life for a few days. Because when I say I have a migraine, people say, yeah, I also have a headache. They have no clue. See what I'm saying?

Rosie (05:03)
off

Are

you better at setting boundaries now with your migraine and just say, I can't, that I'm not, can't do that. Yeah.

Roula (05:13)
Yes.

Now, and really, it took me very long, I think because I don't have a job at an office or somewhere where I have to go to because when I was working, I would say I have a headache and I would take like lunch break alone, but everyone expects you to come back. And if I go home and I say I'm home because I have a migraine, people

Rosie (05:20)
Right. Yeah.

Roula (05:41)
feel like, ⁓ it's migraine because they know migraine, it's something more than a headache, but they have no idea how bad. So they expect you to come to work next day. And the reality, migraine can take for a whole week that you can't get out of your, and also you cannot sleep because you can't put your head on anything. So this is why I'm renting. I'm renting because I so wanted to enjoy my days alone, but I had a headache.

Rosie (05:48)
Mm.

you

and the fucking migraine got in the way.

It's not like have a tablet and it's gone. Can I ask a question? And this is selfishly for me, but also the listeners, I think. Can you, how would you describe how a migraine feels?

Roula (06:23)
Very good question, Rosie. I think for different person, it feels differently. Before I have my migraine, I have a migraine that starts with an aura. And it's really like, okay, so what are you talking about? What is an aura? Suddenly, so let's see, I'm doing my groceries, doing very normal tasks. I'm in a supermarket doing my groceries. And suddenly,

Rosie (06:27)
Yeah.

Noooo

Yeah, what the hell's an aura?

Roula (06:48)
I feel like I'm in a tunnel. So I'm standing there and I feel something is surrounding me like a whoosh of that. Where am I? ⁓ shit, I'm going to have a headache because the moment I feel that I'm in this awkward tunnel, something in my head goes like ting and the headache starts. And then it

Rosie (06:55)
Wow.

you

Yeah.

Mmm.

So it starts as a,

so aura and then it starts as, is it a sort of normal headache at the beginning or still a bit different?

Roula (07:17)
Yes.

No, it's different. What happens is that also the smell around me changes. things I feel things differently. Everything is is weird feeling like I just took some LSD or something. It's weird. Where am I? But not in a good way. And then the pain starts for me. It starts here. It goes all the way.

Rosie (07:32)
Wow. Yes!

Yeah.

Describe it for our listeners.

Roula (07:46)
Yeah, so it starts in the middle of my head, the back of my head, down to my ear, to my jaw, my eye, my nose. So all my left side, my chin, all my left side feels like someone put it. OK, this is going to be graphic. I'm not exaggerating. Imagine a rat or a mouse trapped.

Rosie (07:50)
Yeah.

⁓

my god.

⁓

Roula (08:13)
in this in the trap that closes on them.

This bad.

Rosie (08:19)
Mmm.

Roula (08:21)
and then it just becomes more and more the pain. you feel like you can't open your eye? I have like one eye closed. I feel like my mouth is going up like this. It's just you don't see it, but I feel it.

Rosie (08:28)
Wow.

my god.

Right.

Roula (08:40)
And there are no medicines that help because the medicines for migraine, they cause headache.

Rosie (08:46)
What?

Roula (08:47)
And few of them, for me and maybe for other kind of hallucination. It's called propranolol. I couldn't handle it. The only thing that helps is smoking a joint.

Rosie (09:01)
Wow. Yeah.

Roula (09:03)
But the

thing is, do I have a joint anytime in my house? No. Do I have the strength and the energy to get one when I have a headache? No. And I'm saying this because I live in the Netherlands and you can go to the coffee shop and buy a joint.

Rosie (09:09)
Right.

And you can do that, yeah. Maybe Roula because

in the time I've known you, you have had many migraines, maybe you should have a little stash on hand. So when you get the migraine, it's like, shit, I need some relief. Nothing else is gonna do it. Maybe you do need a little stash.

Roula (09:38)
Okay, the dilemma in here and I'm being so like, like I'm getting you into my life guys. Okay. I do have a stash Only when my migraine is gone, I never think of rolling cigarettes. Because I'm not in that space. I don't think of it. I don't need it. I only think of it when I'm in it and after like three days, but also the children are at home and

Rosie (09:45)
Yeah

Okay.

Alright.

Roula (10:07)
everyone is at home, it feels so wrong to do that when everyone is at home. And that's my limitation. I'm limiting myself. I need to make an agreement with my husband that when I'm in my worst migraine, and they're all worse, I want him to help me with that. I've never talked to him about it, actually.

Rosie (10:13)
Why?

Yeah, you are.

I think that would be a really good conversation because anything you can do that even has the slightest chance of giving you some relief from a migraine in my mind, that is worth having a conversation about. Like it sounds like dark magic witchery or like you said, a bad LSD trip. Like, my God.

Roula (10:46)
Yes.

And you know what, Rosie There are no medicines, not even morphine helps. people say people take morphine when they have cancer and their extreme pain and that's horrible. The craziest thing is that these things don't work for migraine.

Rosie (11:01)
Right,

Mmm.

Roula (11:10)
I don't know why, but it's just, just, there are research about it, but still no one knows why migraine happens, what the medicine for it. So yes, I'm renting about migraine because I'm sure there are people who live, lives with migraine, who struggled to put up a face of normal while they're struggling. And I feel them.

Rosie (11:18)
Really?

Yeah?

Yes.

Roula (11:37)
This is my rant today. Was that a good rant?

Rosie (11:37)
Hmm. Hmm. I,

⁓ totally and totally justified. Often rants are like, you just need to get something out, but it's silly. This is very justified and a very important conversation. So when you said you have a stash, is the issue that you don't have a joint already rolled? Is that what it is? ⁓ so maybe you need to roll one on the podcast.

Roula (11:56)
Yes, yes.

No,

my goodness, it might be forbidden. I'm not that good. I use something. I'm not that good. Not anymore.

Rosie (12:05)
You're not good. You use the roller thing. After

we record, you and your husband can have a conversation and you should maybe pre-roll two or three, something like that.

Roula (12:18)
Yes, I have to pre-roll two or three, get them ready.

Rosie (12:20)
Because gosh, you shouldn't

suffer any longer than you have to. Fuck migraines. Fuck. Fuck them.

Roula (12:27)
Yeah. So, headaches are not my migraine If someone have a migraine, tell them you go and rest and we'll do the rest for you. Yeah, why not? Thank you for listening.

Rosie (12:32)
Yes.

Yeah, yeah. Love it.

If you suffer from migraines, let us know. Is there something that works for you? Because I'm sure Roula is all ears. She's even tried Botox for it and it didn't work. We'll put a link to that episode, by the way. ⁓ And people like me, yes.

Roula (12:54)
Yes, please share your experience. want

to have people. I don't know anyone around me who has migraine. I love to talk to people who are going through the same experience as I am with this.

Rosie (13:02)
Wow.

Yeah. Let's hear from you. And if you've got advice for clueless people like me, please send it through. We'll catch you in the next one.