220: Should You Tell Your Friend That Their Partner is Cheating on Them?

Rosie (00:00)
Roula this is new for you and I. I know we've known each other for years, but I don't think I've ever shared this kind of, it's a bit of a ritual or a tradition for me, right? This is my signature joke is, my goodness. Roula, I haven't seen you since last year. It's been so long.

Roula (00:22)
Lucy,

I missed you so much! What have you been all this time?

Rosie (00:30)
I didn't feel that funny that time, I, yes, that's what I say to people. I mean, it is true. It's been weeks for you and I. is, yeah, yeah. Often I'll say it to people that I haven't seen for like five minutes if we stay up past midnight. I'll go, oh my God, I haven't seen you since last year. No one finds it funny except me, yet I still say it every year.

Roula (00:33)
Which is true. Today is our first recording in 2026.

May I spoil this a little bit? My son made this joke with me. The same joke.

Rosie (00:58)
Go on then.

Roula (01:06)
On January 1st, when we woke up in the morning.

Rosie (01:08)
Did you laugh?

I like Liam. We're friends. ⁓ You didn't laugh at mine. I'm gone. I'm back. Okay.

Roula (01:13)
Of course I laughed! I mean, I'm not gonna disappoint him!

you're freezing. You're gone. So I'm laughing. I'm laughing on my own. No, you're back. You're back.

Are you ready for some new episode recording?

Rosie (01:30)
Yes I am. Are you ready?

Roula (01:32)
I am.

So here we go. in these circles that I listen, watch, follow, whatever, there is this person who was in dilemma because she discovered that

The husband of her friend is cheating.

Rosie (02:02)
⁓ no.

Roula (02:04)
She doesn't know should she face this person? Is she gonna tell the friend that the husband is cheating? She's tormenting. She's not sleeping at night. It's ruining her life That the fact that this person is cheating and she doesn't know what to do with it and my question Rosie as an outsider When someone we know about something like this

What actions can we take or should take or should not take? So this is my question. Was it clear? Do I have to repeat it? ⁓

Rosie (02:39)
Yes, no, the question is clear

and I think it's so difficult. I haven't been in that precise situation, but I've been in situations, well there's one situation that comes to mind. I know there's been more, but there's one that really sticks in my mind where I found something out about a friend and she had been lying to our friend group.

to teachers for her examination, like just this whole thing, and I knew the truth.

and I didn't know what to do. It was eating me alive, Roula. So can I tell this story or is that sidetracking too much? ⁓ fuck yeah. Fine.

Roula (03:21)
It is sidetracking too much because the specific topic is cheating.

And you see now you have the next episode. This is about cheating and what to tell secret.

Rosie (03:28)
⁓ No, okay, well I'm gonna draw

on this. So what I ended up doing, because I became part of the secret. I didn't want to be part of the secret. I felt the secret was wrong. So I confronted the person. I said, if you don't tell everybody, I will. You need to do the right thing. And she told people. Yeah.

Roula (03:47)
question for you. How

did you know about the secret?

Rosie (03:53)
I have to tell the story for it to make sense. Am I allowed to tell the story?

Roula (03:57)
Go ahead. Now you're making it

necessary.

Rosie (04:01)
So it was in high school, yeah. So we're 17. And my friend was really good at singing and she took music as a subject. We were in year 12, which in Australia is the final year of high school. And as part of her assessments or as an exam, the music students had to write their own song. And she got top grades for this amazing song and she performed it at assembly and it was amazing. And then I noticed.

Roula (04:01)
Hmm.

Rosie (04:30)
someone sitting next to me was singing along to the song and I went, ⁓ did you, were you with this person? I almost said her name, whoops. Were you with this person when they've been rehearsing? They went, no, this is Miley Cyrus's song.

And I didn't know Miley Cyrus, she wasn't huge at the time. I went, what? No, she's written, this is her own song. Anyway, I then went and Googled it. And it was in fact Miley Cyrus's song copied exactly. And this piece of assessment was going to be submitted to the exam board and all our circle of friends was just so proud of her. So that's how I found out because someone else was singing along to the song. And I thought, how do they know the song?

And I fact-checked it and went, holy shit. And I think it took me a day to confront the person. I had to fact-check and make sure that what the other person said was true. So I confronted her because I was just feeling sick with worry ruler. I did not like being part of the problem. So if I discovered, yes.

Roula (05:36)
Hold on, hold on, hold on. Why do

think you're part of the problem?

Rosie (05:40)
Because I am then keeping the secret. I know the truth and I'm hearing people compliment her and I'm not saying anything. So I am now a liar.

Roula (05:48)
Okay, now

we're talking about a different topic. So we will come back to my question later. ⁓ But this is also nice. ⁓ You feel like you're part of the secret, but how can this be a secret if another person already know the song from the radio or whatever?

Rosie (05:53)
Of course!

Well they're

part of the secret too, because the majority of people do not know the song. And by the way, this person is now an artist who has albums and is out there. ⁓ So anyone who went to high school with me, you will know this person. Just saying.

Roula (06:21)
Did this person say they wrote the song?

Rosie (06:24)
Yes.

Roula (06:26)
What if mighty Cyrus took the song from this person and sang it?

Rosie (06:34)
I know this not to be true.

Roula (06:36)
Hahaha!

So what did really bother you in this secret? You personally? Because you feel you're part of the secret. What exactly was for you the major problem in this?

Rosie (06:51)
I

think honesty to me is quite important. Not that you have to share all your personal things with everybody, but if you are out there just putting out these lies and getting recognition for something that's not you, that just feels so out of alignment with who I am. I don't want to support that. And by being complicit, I felt like I was supporting it. So if we bring it back to cheating, if I discovered, for example,

that my best friend's husband was cheating on her.

Yes, I would struggle, but I think what I would do first is go to the husband and say, you need to tell, you need to tell your wife what's happening right now. If you don't tell her, I'm going to tell her.

That's.

Roula (07:45)
I

so have to disagree with you. Yeah. I think it's none of my business. I-

Rosie (07:48)
So you would keep the secret?

Even if it's a close friend that you care for very deeply.

Roula (07:59)
Yeah, it's their problem. They have something that's causing someone to cheat.

yeah, I think what I said to that person that was wondering she's not sleeping at night and she wants to face this person, et cetera. You know, sometimes people agree on having outside marriage relationships, but they don't come forward about it because they will be judged by you, me and someone else. They keep it secret. Sometimes.

Rosie (08:13)
Mm.

This is true.

So she's

assuming this person's cheating. He might not be. It might be consensual.

Roula (08:38)
⁓ well, she said

she's sure this person is cheating because that person is not being discreet.

And my thing is that why do you think yourself so smart that you notice the cheating and no one else does?

For example, so I have a lot of questions, lot of questions because I feel, especially in a couple relationship, different than friendship, your friend who you like, you expect honesty, but this person is not being honest. It's a different dynamic, I think, than in a couple because no one knows what the couple is going through. And yes, we can say he cheated or she cheated on her husband for 20 years and didn't know.

Rosie (09:21)
So you wouldn't even talk to

the person.

Roula (09:25)
I wouldn't talk to the person facing them with cheating. I probably would ask other kind of questions that have nothing to do with cheating about how they're doing, how they're spending their time. ⁓

Rosie (09:37)
So you're going to be

like really just indirect in that kind of approach.

Roula (09:42)
I'm not even indirect, just show interest in that person. But the issue is not cheating. The issue is what's behind the reason.

Rosie (09:44)
But it is, because you're not confronting the issue. Yeah, I don't know.

Would you not like to know, for clarity, what's happening? Yes, it's curiosity you're ask questions, but would you not just, rather than me going, ⁓ what's an example? I don't know, ⁓ I can't think of an example, but you know when people aren't direct, just ask the fucking question.

Roula (10:14)
Eow.

need to know, because it's none of my business, what I probably would do is ask this person questions about how they're doing, how their life is, etc. So that they think for themselves about where they are and how they see their future, their lover, whatever. Because I don't think that when someone is cheating, I really think so strongly and people may not agree with me on this.

No one cheats because it's their hobby unless it's their hobby and it's really like small percentage, I think. I don't look at the research, but mostly people cheat because they're missing something. And we never know what the couple is missing. So to go, I think it's easier to face the cheater than tell the person cheated on they're cheating on you. Because facing the cheater, they already have the facts.

Rosie (10:54)
Okay.

Bye.

Okay.

Roula (11:16)
But telling your friend your partner is cheating on you? Can you imagine the consequences?

Rosie (11:22)
Okay

Yeah, but would you be complicit in that just for years? And then later it comes out you knew? Or maybe, maybe they're not cheating. You might go to your friend, look, I don't know. I just have to say this. It's gonna come across weird. But I saw your husband with this person and it just looked, or whatever it is, just open conversation. Would you bring it up or you just say nothing? You just said, don't go to the husband.

Roula (11:48)
But why not telling the husband instead of telling the woman? No,

no, I said it's better to go and I'm not saying husband because it's husbands who are cheating. I'm just saying the partner. And in this example, it was the husband. ⁓ I would say go to the person who you think is cheating.

Rosie (11:58)
Well, partner. Yeah. It was the husband.

So that is, okay, hang on, let me stop you, because.

Roula (12:09)
And you can ask

curious questions. And what I mean by curious is that being genuinely interested in them. You know, and if you if you choose to ask a direct question, the person who choose to ask that, I'd rather ask it first to the cheater because I might get information that that helped me protect my friend actually from this news.

Rosie (12:14)
be indirect. Okay, yeah.

Yes.

Yes. Okay. So really

you're kind of agreeing with what I said, even though initially you said disagree. You probably wouldn't ask directly, but you would agree that we go to the one we suspect of cheating first. Would that be right? Okay. Right. Okay. You wouldn't go. Okay. You wouldn't feel any guilt at all knowing this information or suspecting this.

Roula (12:38)
Mm.

I wouldn't go. Myself, I wouldn't go. But if you're insisting to go...

I wouldn't go.

I will,

I will, if I have an opportunity to talk to this person, I will talk to them about them getting to know them, you know, and maybe understand something. But no, I wouldn't go to someone, tell them you're cheating. I don't think I'm in this position to intervene in people's life like this.

Rosie (13:18)
Would you feel guilt if you

Roula (13:24)
Okay. I wouldn't feel guilt, but I think I would keep my eyes open to ensure like my friend is safe or my friend is treated well or the dynamic. Because for me, it's more important how my friend is treated. And yes, you may say, ⁓ it's my friend is being cheated on. Like she's treated poorly. I don't.

Rosie (13:30)
Mmm.

Okay.

Hmm?

Roula (13:52)
really puts much attention to this as much as I put attention as my friend Happy in her relationship is cheating content because because I think cheating is two-way street.

Rosie (14:04)
Hmm.

Roula (14:06)
someone needs something is not getting or it could be so many reasons. have, I sometimes feel like I, it's not like I support cheating, but I feel people do not cheat because they're bad persons.

Rosie (14:18)
Mm.

Mm, mm.

Roula (14:24)
And I mean people like you and I and the ones around us.

Rosie (14:27)
Yeah, I mean I

think the behaviour is absolutely shitty and I don't think it's... ⁓ I don't think it's a nice thing to do at all, but you saying it's a two-way street and there's...

It's so hard, I don't want people to think I'm justifying it either, but there's a reason, there's some sort of something driving force why the other person did it. It is, but I don't think that necessarily means the person being cheating on needs to.

accountability. Like it kind of depends on the situation.

Yeah.

Roula (15:00)
and

a partnership. think everyone is accountable.

Rosie (15:04)
Yes, but also the person who cheats, I think, is most at fault, always.

Roula (15:04)
Everyone's accountable.

Hmm.

Rosie (15:12)
that would be my stance.

Roula (15:17)
think the lack of communication and the lack of honesty in their normal life is the problem. I mean, of course, there are so many other things. Yeah, I feel like I...

Rosie (15:28)
Yeah, that's probably underlying it, right? Yeah, yeah.

Roula (15:37)
⁓ yeah. Yes. Yes.

Rosie (15:38)
Okay, here's a question.

And I'm comfortable with this episode going a bit longer, because this is such an interesting topic. I feel like everyone's going to be faced with some sort of conundrum around knowing a secret and my god, do I share it with the person I care about? If.

This isn't very realistic, because how would I know? But if, and just assume, just keep this simple, right? If I discovered Rianto was cheating on you, so you'd set boundaries, we're not allowed to see anyone else, da da da, would you want me to tell you?

Roula (16:18)
No.

Because, I don't know what would I do with this information, how I'm going to cope and deal with it in this example.

Rosie (16:32)
Mm-hmm.

Roula (16:35)
it could be that there is a time where you need to tell the person because this is what I'm saying. If, if you see me miserable and suffering and sticking around for whatever reason in a very unhappy relationship, this are the things that we need to talk about you and I, where you can talk to me about and maybe help me come to the conclusion.

Rosie (16:40)
Okay.

Man, yeah, wow. I understand your point of view, but I can't help but go holy moly. I'm very much someone who, when I have big feelings, I need to just get it out and be direct. I very much struggle with... ⁓

you know, these nuanced conversations, not because of a lack of care, but just because I've got this piece of information that I know when it comes out, because the truth has a way of coming out, it's really going to hurt this person.

Roula (17:42)
It will relieve you because it's off your shoulder and then it will put it on that person who's already maybe in a bad place. And then they have to deal with all of this, all of this negative and bad news while you're going to sleep because, I'm relieved. I told them the secret is off my shoulders now. And maybe I'm also exaggerating with my description, but more often than not,

Rosie (17:45)
This is true, maybe it's selfish. Yeah.

Poof, yeah.

No, it's

true. Yeah, it is.

Roula (18:10)
When we are

struggling with some negative thing about someone and we tell them, it's just to relieve ourselves.

Rosie (18:16)
feel better? Hmm,

that's true.

Roula (18:21)
I think your friend, if it's me, Rosie, I would be needing your support and listening to my... ⁓ If I'm going through a bad time, then I'm mostly, I need you to listen to me, to help me have perspective, help me see things as they are, rather than telling me, ⁓ he's cheating on you. And then I'm already feeling like shit. So what am I going to do now with this information?

Rosie (18:32)
Mm.

Roula (18:51)
because I don't have the capacity to work it.

But as a friend, can help me build this capacity to be stronger in facing this news whenever it comes.

Rosie (18:56)
Hmm.

This is hard, man. I feel like often in our conversations, when we have a differing opinion, we somehow end up at the same place.

And in this conversation it feels like we're both coming from that caring place. But our approach is so different, isn't it?

I want-

Roula (19:32)
There is no right or wrong in our conversations and this may be the most important point is that my approach, even if you're convinced with what I'm saying, it still doesn't work for you.

Rosie (19:35)
Right, that's important, isn't it? Yeah.

Right, right, yeah, yeah, true. Yeah, listeners, let us know, drop a comment or send us a voice message. What would you do or what have you done if you have ever been faced with this situation? With the cheating, you found out about a friend's partner cheating on them. What did you do or what do you think you would do? And of course, me talking about what I think I would do is quite different to what...

I might actually do in this situation. It's quite easy for me to sit here and just blah, blah, blah, because someone singing a song at assembly in high school that's not theirs is quite different to someone's relationship potentially being blown apart by this information.

Roula (20:29)
True. And dear listeners, if you have come this far listening to our episode, then maybe you liked it. Please share it. And you know what you can do? You can buy us a cup of coffee. That's also on our website, rosieandroula.com. Just a cup of coffee. It will make our day and help us feel the motivation. Well, I do always have the motivation to keep making these episodes.

Rosie (20:55)
Get to

the point.

Roula (20:57)
Yeah, buy us a coffee. will help us cover some costs on this podcast. ⁓

Rosie (21:00)
You