221: No Offense, But…’ Why This Phrase Is More Harmful Than Honest | Communication & Boundaries

Rosie (00:01)
Roula

Roula (00:03)
Rosie! Hello, darling!

Rosie (00:06)
Hello. You were asking all the questions last week, so excuse me, it's my turn to kick things off, okay?

is something that really pisses me off. Maybe it's just me. It is not something I say, but so many people in Australia say it, so I'm wondering if it transfers across cultures. People will say, no offence, but, and then say something that is actually quite offensive.

So, do you need me to give you an example?

Roula (00:51)
No. Maybe for the listeners. Example for the listeners, yeah.

Rosie (00:52)
No, you get it. do you what? Like, is it acceptable for the listeners? Okay.

So for example, I might say, ⁓ no offense, Rula, but you just look awful today.

That's a little bit offensive, don't you think? That's not a very kind way of checking in that you're okay. By the way, you don't look awful today. Just to clarify.

Roula (01:17)
did not believe you anyway.

No offense.

Rosie (01:20)
No, exactly, no offence. First, have you experienced this? Actually, there's a few layers to this. Have you experienced it? Is it something you say? And do you think it is acceptable?

Roula (01:32)
Definitely experience in every culture

Rosie (01:36)
Mmm.

Roula (01:38)
And I'm saying this in every, not that I lived in every culture.

Rosie (01:42)
Well, you're more cultured than me.

Roula (01:43)
But I do

live in a very international place. It's in every culture, I can say that. No offense. Most of the time, I think it's coming from a good place.

Rosie (01:47)
Yes.

Mm.

Hmm.

Roula (02:00)
The problem with it is, say no offense, it makes the receiver already on their toes waiting to be grinded or something.

Rosie (02:12)
Right, right,

because they're about to be offended,

Roula (02:17)
Yes!

Rosie (02:19)
The other thing people say is, not being rude, but, or, or not being racist, but, that's another one.

Roula (02:27)
⁓ yeah, look, this like not being racist, not being rude. Honestly, we all are rude. We all are racist. We have it in us. We try to control it. We try to we do our best to live the right way. We're human beings. We have it. When they say no offense, I'm not going to go into I'm not racist or

Rosie (02:43)
Right.

Roula (02:52)
I'm not going to go into this example. I'm going to stick to The offensive and not to be rude is that they want to give us a message. There is something in us. We said, we looked, we did that the other person really doesn't like. And they want to tell us they don't like it because they don't know how to tell it to us. They start with no offense.

They know what they're going to say is hurtful or offensive or whatever. They know that. I like this expression. Yeah, We we all do it.

Rosie (03:18)
Yeah.

It's like we use it as a safety blanket, isn't it?

Is that maybe what we're doing? I say we, I...

Yeah, I'm trying to think the last time I said no offence, because I know I've said it before, but I'm, it's been years because it pisses me off. If I am going to say something that I know the person is going to find offensive, then it's a moment to go, okay, is that my intention to offend them or do I need to think about how to deliver that message?

Roula (04:02)
Tell me more about how to deliver that message.

Rosie (04:05)
⁓ well if something might hurt my friend's feelings, what would I do?

Okay, well, here's an example, right? You and I had a conversation a few days ago that you wanted to ask me a question that you knew I might find a bit difficult. And you kind of checked in with me and were like, you know, let's talk about it. that wasn't offensive, but you could have gone, no offense, Rosie, but you said something that really, you know, like made me double guess or just threw me off. Like I'm really pissed off.

You could have done that and then I would have got defensive and then I don't know what would have happened. I'm sure we'd work it out. We're grownups, right?

Roula (04:52)
I can't guarantee this. Yeah, I don't want to be rude, but I can't guarantee this.

Rosie (04:53)
Give each other the silent treatment for a few months.

about that it's just about being thoughtful. I think it's about being thoughtful and if you don't care how the other person's going to react to it then why even bother saying no offense? Just say it.

Roula (05:14)
I would like to think that instead of saying no offense, okay, I'm going to try this with you. Rosie, I'm going to say something that might offend you.

Rosie (05:22)
god, yep, I'm ready. Yep.

Mm-hmm.

Roula (05:29)
Are

you open to hear it from me?

Rosie (05:32)
Yes, so you're owning how I might respond and you're checking in like you're open to it. Is it a good time for you? I think that's such a good approach because you're not lying going, no offense. Like I'm not trying to offend you. Shut up. Like really.

Roula (05:41)
Yeah. Mostly when we want to say

no offense and we throw the things at others, we are in a hurry. We just not thinking. We want to say what's on our mind. It's useless. It's useless.

Rosie (05:54)
you

Hmm.

Roula (06:02)
When someone would say to me, would not be in rude. I don't want to be rude, but, or no offense, but I'm checked checking out and I'm ready to, to hit back.

Rosie (06:09)
It's me too. Me too. Me

too. It just is such a pet peeve for me. Is it something you say often? I can't imagine it is, but yeah.

Roula (06:20)
No, I say it

in a joking ironic way, but this is also some kind of humor humor that I have. I would tell you something that is really offensive and then I end up with but no offense. But we know we both know we're joking. It's in the right time. It's the right moment. I like I'm not taking you by surprise and then joking about it.

Rosie (06:24)
Yes! Me too.

Yes!

Yes.

Right, exactly. Yeah, I think I've used it as humor before as well, or something I use as humor. Sorry, not sorry. Like you're apologizing because someone might like it, but you're not sorry. know, sorry, not sorry, but.

Roula (06:51)
Yeah. You know, like

we're in the kitchen, my husband and I and he's blocking my way. So I would say to him, I would like, for example, like push him and tell him, you're blocking my way. No offense. You know, no offense. Yeah, that's even better. He would tell me this mostly. I get your big bum out of here. No offense.

Rosie (07:06)
Get your big bum out of the way, no offense or whatever.

E?

Roula (07:18)
And I would stand and say, but that's a compliment, whatever.

Rosie (07:18)
So what would your...

So what would your advice be? ⁓ We know all about you and Rianto, it's great. See, I don't have stories like that, because it's just me and Tilly. I guess you guys know a lot about me and Tilly, don't you? This is not a partner.

Roula (07:23)
Okay, now I'm getting people into my conversations with my husband.

Yeah, recently. ⁓ Was it? Yeah, recently, because this is published next week. I posted. No, I have a nice, nice fragment from you, and tilly I'm going to put it on social media. Yes. Mm.

Rosie (07:52)
okay. We do have cute moments, don't we? What I was going to ask is what is

your advice to listeners who are perhaps listening to it and going, ⁓ shit, that's something I say a lot. No offense, but not being rude, but what would your message be to them?

Roula (08:10)
Use this phrase that I repeated. Be honest, tell people, I'm going to tell you something that will offend you or might offend you. When I'm afraid what I'm going to say, going to offend you. Are you open to hear it from me? So then the listener will know that you care about their feelings.

Rosie (08:19)
Mm-mm.

Mm. Mm. And even if... Yes, sorry.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And even, yeah, and even if you add in there why you want to tell them this thing, because you're just saying it might offend them, so what's the point in telling them? So it might be, but I think it's something really important that I'd like to share with you. I'm just worried it might offend, want to check you're in the right headspace or that you're open to hearing it. ⁓ Well, true.

Roula (08:34)
⁓ the same for being rude. And sometimes it's for silly things. If someone, for example, they stink from their mouth

and they talk it to you.

and you want to tell them, you know, you want to...

Rosie (09:05)
This needs to be an episode.

This needs to be an episode, okay? Yes. on that note listeners, send us a coffee if you feel like it. Sorry, not sorry. Help support the podcast. No offense that you don't do it enough. Your cup is empty. Roula mug is empty. She needs a coffee. I don't even have my cup with me. Come on. Coffee, coffee.

Roula (09:19)
My cup is empty. I'm waiting for coffee to fill it in.

And who knows,

maybe you will get a mug. The more you send us coffee, we will share a mug with you.

Rosie (09:34)
This is true.

This is true. All right, everybody, we'll catch you in the next one.