223: Is It Rude to Leave Someone on Read? Texting Etiquette, Read Receipts & Modern Communication

Roula (00:00)
yes the pdf yeah ⁓ cool cool rosy is back

Rosie (00:01)
no, no, no. Okay, I got one. Yes. Okay.

I'm back! Inspired by chap GPT, but I think something that all of us can relate to. And this is in the realm of etiquette. So you're gonna lead this, Rula. Although I'm sure I'm gonna have lots to say about this.

We are blessed to have technology in many ways. And one of the things that technology has given us is a way to communicate really easily. And most messaging apps will tell you when the other person has read your message. So there's a red receipt. Is it socially acceptable if someone leaves you on red? So they've read it and they don't respond.

What are your thoughts?

Roula (01:02)
.

100 %

Yeah, why not?

Rosie (01:10)
It's so like, no, I agree. But, but it is, it's common knowledge, Rula, that that's offensive. Like, ⁓ rude. And if someone reads a message from me and don't respond, I won't necessarily think rude. I'll start in my head. I'll be thinking, my God, what have I done wrong? And that's on me. That's on me, right?

Roula (01:34)
really?

Rosie (01:37)
That's not

on the other person, that's my own issues. But yeah, that's what I, I'm like, my God, why haven't they responded? But then...

You know, the more I think about it and the more I become self-aware, I'm like, well, what's the problem? Maybe they don't want to reply. They're not in the right head space. They don't feel like it. They're busy. Whatever the reason.

But that's okay. But it's so socially unacceptable.

Roula (02:04)
I love this question. My struggle is that I reply quickly to avoid that that person will feel that I'm ignoring them. And if it comes to me, of course, some stuff I have to reply quickly because we have logistics, whatever. But when a message can wait,

Rosie (02:12)
Wow, yeah.

Roula (02:24)
My days are so stressed because I have to answer all these messages. We're more in contact with people than ever before because everybody can send you a message. And I don't think it's rude not to answer right away. But it would be rude if it goes a day, two, three and no answer. Then it's rude. Because even if we don't have something to say now, we can take just a moment and say,

Rosie (02:27)
⁓ yeah.

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

you

Roula (02:50)
Hi, let me get back to you or I'm very busy, but I really want to talk to you. Give them a sign of life so they are feeling not ignored. This is something, but it's not also a must because we as person, when I send someone a message and they don't reply, I also must understand I'm not their top priority.

Rosie (03:03)
Right, right.

Mmm.

Roula (03:17)
They have other priorities in their lives. And when they get to me, they will answer me. Because if it's very urgent for me to know the answer, I can pick up the phone and call them. Or I can write, it's urgent. Can you please reply to me? Even though saying it's urgent is like pushing the other one. That's risky also.

Rosie (03:20)
Right.

True.

right.

true. You know what

I'll often do because most apps, not all, but most I'll get notifications when someone messages me. If I just don't have the headspace, I just won't open it because I don't want the other person to be offended and see that I've read it and then I'm not responding. So I will leave it. I won't even know what they said because I'm avoiding it.

Roula (04:03)
No, I don't care about that. My WhatsApp is on private. No one can see when I'm online, when I read, when I answer. And other apps, maybe in the past, yes, I would avoid because

Rosie (04:10)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Roula (04:16)
I don't want to answer and I don't want them to see that I read it. But now I don't give a fuck. Whatever, if it's not my priority, I'm not answering. And if you're my friend and you feel offended, then come on, talk to me about it. And if you're my friend and I didn't reply to you right away, I'm not, I should not ignore you. I'm repeating. I have ignored someone.

Rosie (04:22)
Yeah, we shouldn't keep it far.

Say something. Right, right. So true.

Roula (04:43)
on purpose? My intention was not to reply ever. And there are people who ignored me also on purpose. I never ever heard from them before. Again.

Rosie (04:45)
Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Roula (04:56)
And this, so this is also, I don't know if there is right or wrong, you know, it's just the modern life. But if we care about a person after 24 hours, after 10 hours, whatever reasonable time, we try to reach out and say, give me some time, whatever.

Rosie (05:14)
Yeah.

Right. And I wonder where this expectation comes from that we have to reply immediately. And maybe, maybe it's because we to communicate in person or on the phone. And if you don't respond to someone when they're talking to you in person, well, that is considered rude, isn't it? But messaging is different.

Roula (05:38)
You know where this come from because the phone is in my hand all the time. It's impossible. I haven't seen a message. It's impossible. I missed this is why it's going wrong. We have this phone in our hand and it's impossible to miss out on things and that's

Rosie (05:40)
Well.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know what

pisses me off? If people, they don't respond, right? And then when they eventually do, it might be days, a week more later. I say, I'm so sorry I didn't see your message. And I just think, do you think? I believe that you are on your phone every day. I see, I see you when I'm with you. there's no way you didn't see it. Don't tell me bullshit. You just say, I didn't feel like responding. Wasn't in the headspace.

Or don't give me an excuse or reason at all. Just respond without the bullshit.

Roula (06:31)
Okay, Rosie, I'll give you an example. To not miss your messages, I pinned you on my WhatsApp. So I never miss your message. But also I pinned my husband, my daughter, I have the group app with my sisters, I have the group app with my family, with my cousins, with my family here in the Netherlands. So by the time someone would send me a message, it might be very low in my queue.

Rosie (06:33)
Mm.

That's cool.

Mmm.

Yeah.

true.

Roula (06:59)
And I'm not

going to scroll every time to see if I have a message from someone. I have to be in the headspace to scroll. Definitely. It is surely possible. Mm.

Rosie (07:04)
So you think it is possible to miss a message. Right. Okay. Okay. But if someone starts using that excuse every time, I don't know. I don't know how I feel about that. It gets my goat. So I think on rare occasions it's true.

Of course it can happen. if you start, there's someone I'm not friends with anymore, but I was close friends with them and they used to use that excuse all the time.

Sorry I didn't see your message.

Roula (07:33)
You follow your heart and your common sense and if you feel this excuse is coming up every time then yes, it's avoidance on purpose.

Rosie (07:41)
Yeah. Yeah.

but yes, leaving someone on red is okay, but also...

If you have a problem with it, say something. Is that our advice? I don't know. No?

Roula (07:56)
No, you

have to work on yourself to accept that you're not the priority person. Mm.

Rosie (08:01)
Sorry.

You know, I'm beginning to, I'll open a message and I'll leave it on read. I'm still very uncomfortable with doing that. It's something I'm like experimenting with. ⁓ Cause

it makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel like I am obligated to reply then and there, but I'm not. Who made that roll up?

Roula (08:27)
Yeah, okay. In the same in the same area, the conversation, there is some also something that happens. So you're in a conversation with someone on WhatsApp, Messenger, whatever. And then and then you don't continue. I had this yesterday, for example, I had time I was waiting in the car for my appointment. So I messaged a friend and we started the conversation. But then I went to my appointment and I had to hurry to do groceries and come back home. I didn't reply to her last message.

Rosie (08:38)
Huh.

Okay.

Yeah. Yeah.

Roula (08:55)
And

I was thinking to myself, is this rude? didn't reply. I left her hanging. We were having a conversation and then I left her hanging. This so this question you ask also in this area makes me wonder, is it OK to leave someone hanging? I come back to it later because I'm not sitting with my leg up.

Rosie (09:03)
Yeah.

Yeah

I like to, I like to tell people. It's a, it's an interesting one. I, I used to be of the thought that

you, if you're gonna about to leave, tell me. So I don't, I'm not expecting a response. Like you say, you're mid conversation and then all of a sudden they disappear. I used to think, yes, you have to tell me that's rude. Otherwise, if you go into bed, say, yep, I'm going to bed or I'm going out and I'll talk to you later. Whatever.

Roula (09:29)
Mm.

Rosie (09:38)
it's nice close to the conversation. But you don't always,

Roula (09:40)
you

Rosie (09:43)
sometimes you might actually be busy, something's come up, off you go and...

I guess if your conversation wasn't very important, it doesn't matter. But if you were having like a really deep conversation, I think you should definitely say something.

Roula (09:55)
True.

True, true. The conversation was nice, et cetera, but it wasn't like crucial and we have to answer each other. And the reason why I didn't say I have to go now is that I really did not have the time to invest and get in the phone and typing the message.

Rosie (10:05)
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, right.

Yeah. I can imagine.

Roula (10:15)
And I'm not a quick type and I make thousands of mistakes in two sentences

of two words. Oh, shut up. I see. can imagine.

Rosie (10:21)
Hahaha!

⁓

Roula (10:27)
No.

Rosie (10:28)
No, okay, that was was tongue in cheek.

But you do have carpal tunnel, right? Is that what you have? What is it?

Roula (10:35)
Yeah, carpal tunnel. I send a lot of voice messages to people and then people tell me, my friends, not to people, my friends or someone I'm in regular contact with. And then they say, we don't like to leave voice messages. I don't know why.

Rosie (10:37)
It hurts as well to use your hands for things like that. So anyway, that was a cheeky little remark.

Yes.

E?

Roula (10:56)
I'm like, I'm gonna annoy you with my voice forever, because it's much easier for me than typing.

Rosie (11:01)
It's

so much easier and sometimes there's some things that are hard to put in writing and it's just easier to say it or it's quicker. You could be walking and send a message instead of looking down, tapping you, trying to type something. Yeah. Yeah.

Roula (11:13)
So, yeah. So,

yes, I still have to answer my friend with whom I started the conversation yesterday. No. Yeah. you

Rosie (11:21)
you still have an answer. Yeah. And that's okay too. Yeah.

Yeah. Let us know listeners, what do you think about being left on read? Do you do it to other people? Do people do it to you? How does it make you feel? What is the etiquette? Ruler says it's okay to leave people on read, but up to a certain point. And I am working on

being okay with it, because it is okay. I agree with you, it is okay. But I struggle with it, for sure.

Roula (11:55)
Mm.

Rosie (11:58)
I'm much better at it.

Roula (12:00)
Good. I'm trying to think how to integrate the bias of coffee into this conversation, but I'm not able to find to find a segue. So I'm just going to say if you listen so far on this episode, then you liked it. So please share it and maybe bias a cup of coffee. If you go to rosyandrula.com, you can press the button and bias a cup of coffee. That's it. Thank you. Bye.

Rosie (12:22)
that would mean the world.