236: Why We Stay Too Long in Relationships, Friendships & Jobs (And How to Know When It’s Time to Walk Away)

Rosie (00:02)
I have a question for you,

Roula (00:05)
Hello Rosie.

Rosie (00:07)
Hi. I keep skipping saying hello. Hi. I've got a question. ⁓ thank you.

Roula (00:10)
Hi.

I love your smile. I love your

smile. I love your smile. Okay. That was my performance.

Rosie (00:20)
I don't know that song. yes I do.

Right, the question is going to be a bit of a downer now after that nice little compliment.

I surely this is something everyone can relate to. Why do we stay in friendships or relationships too long?

Do know what I mean by that?

Roula (01:07)
We keep trying? Is this what you mean?

Rosie (01:09)
Yeah, like you should just walk away.

It's over. Like it's just flogging a dead horse. Why are we still?

Roula (01:16)
Oof.

Rosie (01:19)
trying to keep this relationship alive. It's done.

Roula (01:25)
I'm going to go a bit philosophic now.

Rosie (01:27)
Yeah, let's do it.

Roula (01:29)
Do you think because human beings are hopeful beings?

Rosie (01:35)
shit that is philosophical. I was going to say yes but I think especially in the world lately there's a lot of fear going on you know which can breed a lot of hatred but I think yeah at our core I think we need hope don't we? That's part of I think it's healthy.

You take it too far, just like anything else, and that could be a problem if you're being unrealistic. But yeah, hope is an important ingredient of being a human.

Roula (02:12)
Yeah, there is hope. There is also, I mean, it also goes into hope. Hope is the big title and now I'm going into bullet points under it because I can't, I can't at this point, I can't see anything that's not based on hope. This the bullet first bullet point, could it be that ⁓ we're waiting for a change? Whether it's in the job, in the relationship?

Rosie (02:23)
Okay, yep.

Roula (02:42)
in the friendship.

Rosie (02:45)
We're hoping for them to change. It's often us hoping that they change something, isn't it? Don't you think?

Roula (02:51)
Yeah, before we realize we can't change anything or anyone, the first thing we go with, we want them to change or we want the job to have a different way. I don't know. Even in job, we're hoping to change, be less pressure, less workload. There is change. The other bullet point that I can think of, well, I can't, I'm just now thinking of it. The other bullet point is ⁓ insecurity.

Rosie (02:55)
Yeah, yeah.

Mm.

Same.

Roula (03:23)
We feel despite that there is something wrong, we still feel secure and to the point that we don't have this necessity to leave. Job, I at least have my salary at the end of the month. A friendship, I will be lonely if I break up this friendship. A relationship is also that ⁓

I'm having a brain fog. I can feel a brain fog coming. I swear.

Rosie (03:55)
can use coming

in. You're doing well. It's making sense. Roll with it.

Roula (04:01)
I don't remember what wanted to say about relationship.

Rosie (04:02)
Okay.

It's like, it's like this, ⁓ security blanket. We, we may not be enjoying it or liking it very much, but it's what we're used to. It's comfortable because it's what we're used to. I think that can be a big thing. ⁓ And comfortable doesn't mean we're happy.

Roula (04:22)
Comfortable. Yes.

Tell me more?

Rosie (04:32)
I think we're comfortable. You got to go a bit deeper, right? It's not like sitting on a comfy couch, which is obviously glorious, but in life, when we're comfortable in a philosophical sense, it's because it's something we are familiar with. It's something that has become routine. It's comfortable. You don't have to think about it. And it almost feels like whatever that is, whether it's the friendship or job or whatever.

It's almost like it's part of our identity now because we've done it for so long. It's comfortable.

Roula (05:08)
Comfortable. I love this explanation. It's really, really good, Rosie. I give you a kudo for that. That's why I love talking to you about deep stuff. ⁓

Rosie (05:13)
Yeah.

It's it's good, right?

We can have these conversations. But can you relate to that? This whole concept of being comfortable even.

Roula (05:27)
⁓ I definitely can relate to it. ⁓ Definitely. There is this point also where I feel that we don't want to be losers. We don't want to give up quickly. We don't want to walk away. We want to prove to ourselves that we've done everything in our power and possibility to make a change, improvement, whatever.

Rosie (05:30)
⁓

Hmm

Yes.

Roula (05:56)
the

relationship is before we call it quits.

Rosie (06:01)
Right, we don't want to be called a quitter.

Roula (06:04)
Yeah!

Rosie (06:06)
This makes me think so much. A few years ago, I was having a conversation with a friend and I think we maybe have spoken about divorce in this podcast before we have, but this conversation with a friend, I really disagreed with their point of view. It wasn't an argument, but it was a really cool debate because we were talking about relationships, specifically romantic relationships. And in particular for those who are married or have been in long-term relationships and

My friend's point of view was, you need to make it work. Put in the work. You can't just walk away. And my view was, yeah, but if you don't want to put in the work, walk away. You don't owe it to anybody. I don't care how long you've been with this person. And if you've been married to them and you're fucking miserable and you want to walk away, nothing wrong with that.

Roula (06:59)
Rosie, the question here is when do we know that we have put in enough work?

Rosie (07:07)
I think it's the wrong question. It's not about putting in enough work. Yeah. Because this is, this is what I get caught up in. I haven't done enough. Fuck that. Who, who does that serve? That serves other people. You're thinking about other people's opinions and whether they think you've done enough. There's nothing to do with you. Not really. It's more about.

Roula (07:09)
⁓

Rosie (07:32)
Well, am I doing what serves me right now? Am I trying to make my relationship work because I don't want others to think I'm lazy? Am I trying to make it work because that's what you should do? Or am I trying to make it work because I made a commitment to this person, I love them, and I I really want to make this work because I'm going to regret it if I don't give it my all.

Roula (07:57)
Look, in a divorce situation, it's it's these questions will come up specifically to the person who deciding to call it quit. And job, let's take a job, for example. ⁓ boy, we stick around for so long before we realize this is should not be where I am. This is consuming me.

Rosie (08:26)
Yeah.

Roula (08:27)
Am I really happy at this job? Is this job really good for me? Because from in divorce and marriage, it's a bit more complex, especially if there are kids, you know, ⁓ it's everything you said is valid. Yeah. ⁓ In a job. What I feel lately.

Rosie (08:31)
Mmm!

Mm. It's not black and white, is it really?

Roula (08:53)
making me be very, very careful and advise my daughters if they want to hear my advice when they ask for it. Please, I don't give advice if I'm not asked for it for my kids. On the podcast, I'm full of unsolicited advice.

Rosie (09:01)
Really? For me on the other hand, yeah.

Roula (09:11)
Yeah, a job, we don't owe anything to a job. It's only the comfort and the security of the salary. Because when we feel that a job is too much, this definitely means we're not even growing in this job anymore. The workload might be growing, but experience-wise and fulfillment and satisfaction, are they the same word? Fulfillment and satisfaction?

Rosie (09:11)
is true.

⁓

slightly different.

Roula (09:44)
When this is not feeling strong, it means we're not growing in the job. And I don't mean, you know, whenever I say growing, I don't mean like we have to grow. No, I mean that we are happy with what we're doing. We're doing it well. We're creative. We feel positive. This for me is growth. You know, believe in ourselves. Yeah, but we stay too long because we're scared to leave.

Rosie (10:00)
Mmm.

Okay, yeah.

Roula (10:12)
What's waiting for us out there? This idea. Even in friendship, relationship, everything, we don't quit because we're scared of the unknown.

Rosie (10:23)
Yeah, we are scared of the unknown.

Staying in the workplace or in a particular job for too long, I think this is something we have all done. And a big piece of it, tell me if you disagree, I think for just about every person, is our perception of financial security. I think, if we walk away from this, we're walking away from a secure paycheck. It's not that bad. You just got to do your time. And when I retire, I can go do what I want. You're not meant to enjoy work.

Roula (11:00)
Yes, the paycheck is number one. I mean, we have to pay our bills and put food on the table and the paycheck and the job. This is why it's so difficult to leave a job when it's especially if the market is not good, etc. etc. Because of the paycheck. And sometimes we lie to ourselves that, ⁓ nice colleagues, ⁓ great environment.

Rosie (11:07)
Yeah. Yeah, unfortunately. Yeah.

Roula (11:30)
Tell me,

Rosie (11:30)
It's not that bad. ⁓

Roula (11:33)
colleagues, it's okay. You can still be in contact with them after you leave, which rarely happens with everybody. Everyone have few colleagues that they stay in contact with or not. Yes, finance for job and friendship, example, Rosie, loyalty, I feel plays a role in not quitting a friendship of being perceived as a bad person or not loyal.

Rosie (11:37)
True.

You know, I hadn't thought about it like that.

Mmm. Tell me more.

Roula (12:11)
Tell me more, tell me more. I don't know the lyrics actually. Okay. Loyalty, friendship. Yes, friendship, it feels that it takes so much loyalty proof because if your friend is having a bad time, if your friend is, it can be a narcissistic friend.

⁓ fent full of negativity. There is a thin line between helping a friend being a listening ear or having this friend destroying your wellbeing because they're consuming you. And I'm not saying talking, could be betrayals in friendship. And this is easy because you have a proof. You betrayed me. I can prove it. So I'm done with this relationship.

Rosie (12:53)
⁓

Roula (13:05)
But in friendship that are confusing that you want to be the good friend, but you feel this consuming you or that friend is not really as good as you imagined or believed. And then you keep this friendship trying to get a proof that helps you get out of it. Does this make sense?

Rosie (13:25)
⁓ wow.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't think I've approached it that way before, but it does make a lot of sense. When I struggle with walking away from a friendship or relationship, it's not so much about loyalty to me, it's I don't want to come across as a bad person and I don't want to hurt the other person's feelings.

That's what I worry about. Even if perhaps they've hurt my feelings over and over. Yeah, yeah. There's one person, you can't put this on a clip on social media. I'm happy with it on the podcast, but this is not the clip, Brula. But there's one friend from high school and we used to be really close. There was a group of maybe four of us and really close. with one of these people in particular,

Roula (13:59)
Yeah. That's what you're saying is valid.

Rosie (14:27)
drifted apart because their worldviews are very different to mine. ⁓ You know, some of the things they're posting online are just a bit... For me, I guess it crosses the line of having a difference of opinion to where it's actually, that's a bit of a deal breaker for me. Like, no.

I don't want to go there. There's just some weird things there. But have I cut her out? No, it's not like we catch up or we talk a lot, but I've still got her as a friend on Facebook. And if she messages me, I'll reply, even if really I don't feel like it. Because I don't want to her feelings. But really, I probably already have. It's probably pretty obvious that I'm not invested in this friendship, hey, like thinking about it. ⁓

Roula (15:12)
yet.

Wow, it seems to me getting out of friendship is the most difficult. Divorce, you get it. Job, you quit, apply for another job. But friendship, you keep dragging it because you don't want to say, I don't want to be your friend anymore. Isn't that the most difficult thing to quit? Friendship.

Rosie (15:28)
⁓

It is hard. Oh, yeah, I think the easiest one for me is leaving a job. I'm I'm I was going to say I'm great at it. I'm not really, but I think the longest I've been in a job is three years and that feels like an eternity to me. So I was going to say I'm great at it, but that actually feels too long.

Roula (15:37)
Ha ha!

Mmm.

Three years, I mean, it takes a year to get used to the job, another year to do it good, and a third year you start thinking, do I want it or not?

Rosie (16:06)
We'll see if it, yeah but...

But that's the thinking that keeps people like me trapped. I remember when I started teaching within a couple of months, I knew, my God, I don't want to do this. Like, there's no way. advice from, because I used to talk to my mum a lot and my dad, parents, and they're sort of, or dad wasn't alive actually at the time then, but mum would say, you know, just,

Give it time. You got to keep going. And I'd get very emotional and sometimes swear a bit, not because I was angry at her, but I was angry at the situation. ⁓ But yeah, the advice was sort of, well, you just got to keep going. Like what you just said, well, you need to give it a year to get used to it. And then you got to, you know.

Roula (16:56)
Yeah, I'm not, I'm not

saying I'll do this again. No, no, no, no. I just say it reasoning why the three years passed. ⁓ because I, yeah, I also had a job in the first two weeks. knew what the hell did I do? How did I take this job? That's the biggest mistake of my life. And I started looking for another job and I stayed there two years until I found something else. But I was also sick for like six months.

Rosie (16:59)
okay.

⁓ okay. You give it, yeah.

Mmmmm

Yeah.

Wow. But you knew and you were taking action. that's, yeah, it's not like you were being passive and just, my God, I hate this. I want to get out. And then not doing anything about it. Yeah. Wow.

Roula (17:26)
I had some complications.

Yeah.

No, no, no, I immediately started looking for something else. Yes.

So bottom line in this, why we stay too long in a friendship, ⁓ marriage, relationship, job is because we're scared. I mean, I don't know. I'm, I'm doing this conclusion, which I'm not sure about, but I think we're scared from what's next. Yeah. Rosie, what's wrong with me?

Rosie (17:56)
You're being very Rosie style today,

I'm sorry.

Roula (18:04)
Can you be a ruler style? Let's switch.

Rosie (18:07)
fuck. what am I doing? I'm wrapping it up. ⁓ true.

Roula (18:09)
No, I don't swear like this.

Rosie (18:14)
You're being you right now. Um, we're wrapping it up. What were you saying? Loyalty, loyalty. We don't want to be seen as disloyal and we want to make sure we've put in enough effort. That is why, and I'm being rural. I remember that is why we have trouble living relationships, friendships, jobs and everything else in between. You know what I want to add to that? We overthink things.

Maybe I'm just speaking for myself, but I'm great at overthinking things.

Roula (18:51)
I think we all overthink certain things. Well, if you're if this episode speaks to you because you're in some kind of relationship or job or something going on in your life and you wonder when this is going to end, I think you're the only one who can put an end to it in a smart way. So take your time. Plan for yourself. Look after yourself and end relationships that

Rosie (18:54)
Mmm.

in a smart way.

Roula (19:21)
are not good for you. Even if it's a job.

Rosie (19:23)
Trust yourself,

trust yourself, stay true to who you are and you can do it. You can do the hard thing.

Roula (19:31)
Oh, it's so easy said than done, All right, we thank you again. Bye.

Rosie (19:33)
I know I'm great. I'm on my little soapbox here.

You can!