246: Should Couples Sleep in Separate Bedrooms? The Truth About Sleep, Intimacy & Relationships

Roula (00:16)
⁓ Rosie.

to normalize something.

Rosie (00:22)
⁓ yeah.

Roula (00:24)
I want to normalize couples sleeping in separate bedrooms.

Rosie (00:29)
⁓ yeah, let's talk about it. Let's talk about this. I... Are you surprised that I'm like passionate about this? I... You are. Well, it's not something I have experienced, but I've met... Two couples, I think, only. But they sleep in separate beds and they seem to have such healthy, happy relationships. And yet in society...

Roula (00:32)
Mm-hmm.

I am!

Rosie (00:58)
people hear that a couple are sleeping in different beds and it's just, my goodness, know, their marriage is falling apart. You know, I could never sleep a night without my partner, blah, blah, blah. You know, there's so much judgment and it's seen as this negative thing. But why?

Roula (01:19)
So many of our episodes go back to conditioning the society expectation cultures.

married you sleep in same bed for the act of marriage because the act of marriage can only happen if you're both sleeping in the same bed and the act of marriage should only happen in the like what do you say marital bed yeah yeah I'm trying not to say it to sound old-fashioned and I don't even know if act of marriage is the right thing to say it seriously

Rosie (01:34)
the act of marriage. ⁓

And the act of marriage is sex, right? Is that right? Yes. Okay. Good. Okay. Stop beating around the bit.

Roula (01:56)
How many of us don't have a good night's sleep because we sleep in the same bed? Whether it's...

Rosie (01:59)
Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Mm It could be that your

partner snores or maybe they like staying up later than you mostly think. Maybe they're a restless sleeper. They talk in their sleep. I don't know.

Roula (02:05)
Mostly? ⁓

Yeah, for example, I go to bed much earlier than my husband. And then by the time he comes to bed, I wake up. So that's disturbing my sleep. Isn't it? And I think for myself, ⁓ I would love to have the bed for myself. Just just me having the quiet. No one telling me you're snoring.

Rosie (02:17)
Okay.

It's disruptive, yeah. ⁓

Mm-hmm.

A learn time. ⁓

Roula (02:38)
whatever whatever is happening in bed, I just want to be free from from anyone next to me. this this also because I'm having hot flashes and I'm so warm in the night. ⁓ I don't I have to go downstairs to the living room to get some air, get out of the bed. But if I'm in my own bedroom alone, I don't have to go anywhere. I could just.

Rosie (02:42)
Yeah.

Mmm, mmm.

Roula (03:05)
in my bedroom, whatever, open the window or sit up, read a book. But when we're sleeping in the same bed, it's like you have to go somewhere else.

Rosie (03:08)
Mmm.

True, true.

Mmm. Mmm.

Roula (03:19)
And I like the idea of inviting my husband to my bedroom.

Rosie (03:24)
Ooh,

yeah, makes it special. Sexy.

Roula (03:28)
makes it special

yeah and then send him back that's it for today you can go back ⁓

Rosie (03:37)
Yeah, this whole notion that if you sleep in separate beds as a couple, but that's a sign of ⁓ a bad relationship or an unhealthy relationship is ridiculous to me. I think you could be sleeping in different beds and it could be you could have a healthy or an unhealthy relationship and you could be sleeping in the same bed and have a very unhappy relationship or it could be a happy one. is not. They're mutually exclusive.

Roula (03:57)
Yes!

Rosie (04:05)
You don't have to sleep in the same bed to be happy. And you don't have to sleep in separate beds to be happy either. It's, it depends.

Roula (04:11)
True.

But I don't want only separate bed. I want a separate bedroom. That's different. Separate bedroom. OK, OK. ⁓

Rosie (04:17)
sorry, separate bedroom. Sorry. Yes. No, I was meaning separate bedroom, but yes, that's right. Imagine same

room, but separate bed. be like, I guess that could work. I shouldn't be judgy, but if I'm in a separate bed, I want my own bloody room. Thank you very much.

Roula (04:33)
Decorated the way you want to have it just just your own sanctuary When I said to my husband next time Or when the kids move out etc. I want my own bedroom first he was startled like What are you talking about? You want your own bedroom and then I explained to him why I was like, ⁓ actually, that's a great idea

Rosie (04:35)
Yeah, it's your own space.

Mm-hmm.

caught off guard a bit, yeah.

Mm.

He loved it.

Roula (05:02)
He loved it. Of course, I

added, you know, that the sexy time gave it like a more, I don't know, more imaginative.

Rosie (05:09)
You really sold it.

curious why wait until the kids move out? it just because there's not enough rooms at the moment or is there an okay?

Roula (05:20)
Yeah,

we do have enough room. We just have to like to rebuild and fix stuff. But that's actually a good question. The kids, when they're at home and see us sleeping in separate bedrooms, suddenly out of nowhere. That might also might also shock them. They will think that we are arguing or we're not in a good place. They will worry.

Rosie (05:37)
Mm. Mm.

Yeah, my god, or my parents are

going to get a divorce.

Roula (05:50)
Yes, because also children are used that this bed, big bed is for my parents. And my son sometimes asked me, but I don't understand why you share a bedroom and I'm not allowed to share it with you. That was the cutest question he asked us. And I he's right.

Rosie (06:06)
Let's keep.

asking as a kid,

I remember as a kid, I said to mum, why don't I get to sleep with anybody? Like, why don't I have anybody to lie in bed with me? Like it was an innocent question, but as a kid, made no sense to me.

Roula (06:22)
True, in winter when it's really cold, anyway, we don't turn on the heaters in the bedroom because it's too hot. It's not needed. But it is cold. And then my husband and I were laying in bed and warming up together. And I feel so sad. Our kids, each one is in his own bed and feeling cold. So I got them hot bottle of water. ⁓

Rosie (06:29)
Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, in their cold bedroom. Yeah, by themselves.

Aww. Yeah.

Roula (06:46)
You know, these things, so they keep them warm

because I feel so bad that we're cuddling and feeling getting the warmth and they're not. Yeah.

Rosie (06:54)
Yeah, they're all by themselves because

kids sleep in the bed by themselves, apparently.

Roula (07:00)
True, ⁓ I feel bad about it. That's it would be fair for each one of us to have his own bedroom decorated the way we want. Yeah. We have to have a big bed. And the spaces here are not huge to have like extra king size bed. But still, I will not sleep comfortably. The whole point is to have the bed for myself.

Rosie (07:02)
Yeah.

mean, you could all sleep in the same bed if you wanted, but I feel like that wouldn't be very practical.

That's true, huge bet.

Yeah, yeah.

Right.

Yeah, think,

Roula (07:31)
Ironically, I'm not going to let you talk today. Continue.

Even though when I'm alone, let's say my husband is traveling and I'm sleeping, I sleep in my spot and the rest I wake up and the rest of the bed is just made.

Rosie (07:38)
It's your turn, you shut me down. Speak.

Uh-huh.

Isn't it strange?

Yeah. Isn't it strange? And what I was going to say before you cut me off is if I ever have to share a bed again, it's going to be really weird. Like it took me a while to just use up the whole space. Like in the van, I've only got a, um, a double size mattress. Whereas when I was in a house had a queen size. Anyway, it's just me and the double mattress. So can lie diagonally. can, I can lie in the middle. I can lie on one side.

great. I've got all this freedom. But when you're sharing a bed with someone, it's like, well, that's my side of the bed. You know, stick to your side. Everybody has a side, don't they? Yeah.

Roula (08:29)
Yeah, we laugh. My

husband, I tell him, ⁓ can I invite you to my side of the bed? And also every time he finds it funny. It's because in my head, it's like this is my side and this is your side, you know? OK, I don't have anything more to add. I just want to advocate for separate bedrooms. Yeah.

Rosie (08:34)
Yeah

Yeah.

No, that's it. Yeah.

Yeah.

Have a conversation with your partner. If this is something you've been thinking about it, open the conversation and the person who's the receiver of this be open minded. It doesn't mean they want to break up with you. could, it could mean that, but it doesn't, it doesn't. Yeah. It's just a conversation. It's about what works best for you. It's a boundary. It's communication.

Roula (09:10)
But there must be other signs.

Yeah, I'm on Pinterest now decorating my dream bedroom. I started. All right, dear listeners, thank you so much for listening. If you liked our episode, please share it with like minded people and you would help us very much if you could buy us a cup of coffee. Go to our website, rosieandroula.com Leave us a message, a review, five stars preferably.

Rosie (09:27)
I can't wait to see it.

Mm-hmm.

Roula (09:52)
And maybe you'd to buy us a coffee. We're not asking too much. That's just that. Thank you. Bye.

Rosie (09:57)
Okay, bye.

You