27: Stop Offering to Help, do This Instead.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: [00:00:00] Rosie, because this morning we both started like you had a hectic morning

Rosie: Hmm.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: of my headache, let's start with a breathing exercise.

Rosie: Are you serious?

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: Okay, to the count of four we breathe in, hold to the count of four, we breathe out to the count of four, And we hold to the count of four.

Rosie: That is too many instructions. Okay. All right.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: do it just 

Rosie: You talk me through it. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: count and breathe. You have to count in your head.

Rosie: breathe in for four.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: So this is what I do. So I count in my head. One, two, three, four. And this time I'm breathing in.

Rosie: Oh, am I doing it now? Hold.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: you. Okay, let's do it.

Rosie: Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

[00:01:00] Welcome to the Rosie Show. Marba. Good day.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: What do you, what does it make you feel? It's like two questions that people ask. Mostly they ask the first one. And when I hear the first question, sometimes, I'm like, leave me alone. And I think if they rephrase their question, I would embrace it more. And here we go.

Rosie: I'm intrigued. Okay, yes.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: So you are in your field, you are doing your thing, either you're cooking, you know what you're doing, you're doing your job and you're good at it. doing something that it's your area, your, whatever you do.

Rosie: This is what you're good at. Yeah.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: And then [00:02:00] someone comes and tells you, do you want me to help you?

Rosie: Oh, for fuck's sake. I hate this.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: okay. Okay. Or they ask or they say, yeah, let me know. How can I help? So you all, it annoys you, I mean, from your reaction, I hear that

Rosie: It really does. Does it annoy you?

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: It freaking kills me.

Rosie: I'm like, piss off. I'm doing my thing. I do not want you interfering. Like, especially in the kitchen when I'm cooking. Like, piss off. You're going to ruin my cooking. I've got my system. Just, no. Can I help? No, no, it's fine. Oh, no, really? You know, what can I do? And then they'll start doing things like stirring something.

Rosie: I'm like, no, do not touch. You're not helping.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: Okay, so you feel the same. What caused me to ask this question are two things. The first one, I was thinking that, um, and reflecting, you know [00:03:00] me, before I have to invent an episode, create, craft an episode. So I'm thinking, why is it hard for us to accept help?

Rosie: Oh, okay. Yeah.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: and then, while I'm thinking, to the very quick conclusion, but I want to go deeper on it, maybe on my podcast, not here,

Rosie: Oh, right. Oh, not good enough. Huh?

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: yeah, no, it's, it's, this, this is a short one, short episode.

Rosie: Okay. Okay. Okay.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: Okay, so, first thing, we, because we, oh my god, I forgot what did I say. Because we asked it the wrong way.

Rosie: Okay.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: And second, We don't necessarily need help. We

Rosie: Okay.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: and attention.

Rosie: Okay.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: you know, it's not about helping, for example, a mom with a new baby. She's so overwhelmed and we say, Oh, she doesn't ask for help.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: And I'm the one who's saying you must ask for help 

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: because 

Rosie: [00:04:00] Yeah.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: your own. And then I realized. Okay, first, we did not learn how to ask for help. And second, I kind of feel offended or insulted when someone comes to help me and something I'm good

Rosie: Mmm.

Rosie: you're not good enough. Yeah. Yeah.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: Yeah, it's like they have to help. So it's either the cooking is better, or

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: is done quickly or better. This is where I started reflecting.

Rosie: Uh huh.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: Okay. And I did not expect that you answered will be like, Oh, fuck off.

Rosie: You were hoping I'd have a different opinion to you. You cannot plan these episodes for a while. You cannot. You do not have control. Let go.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: was hoping you would say, but I don't know what you mean. We should be helping

Rosie: Oh no. I get it. I get it.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: I find it different. If you're in a hardware store and you're standing there, you don't know where to start, and they come and ask you, how can I help you? This is the right place to ask for [00:05:00] help. 

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: But if kitchen, for example, or you're looking after your baby, or doing something you're good at, and someone come and ask you, how can I help? This is the wrong question.

Rosie: So what's the right question?

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: Huh. This is where I 

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: end 

Rosie: You're proud of this, aren't you? Yeah. Okay. Okay. All right.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: question is, let me know what you want me to do for you.

Rosie: Really?

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: Yeah.

Rosie: But that's not a question, is it? That's a statement. Yeah. Yeah.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: this makes me stay in control of what I'm doing and

Rosie: This is true.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: what do I want to delegate.

Rosie: You know what? Yeah,

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: and say, I want to help or where can I help, you're taking over

Rosie: and you know what? I've just realized you and I, we're control freaks. That's the only difference. It's a question. How can I help? Or can I help? And [00:06:00] then tell me how I can, or what I can do to help.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: Delegate to me! You're,

Rosie: Yeah. Be in control. Dominate me.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: You're in 

Rosie: a dominatrix.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: Delegate to me. Whatever it is, it's your

Rosie: Messed up. That is messed up.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: Yeah,

Rosie: It's true.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: or sending, doing something, like I'm doing the laundry or, or I don't know, cleaning the house or, um, at work, even at work, they say at work in the teams, they say, Oh, you should help each other. everyone gets really offended because I don't want you to help me. You're not better than me. You can't do

Rosie: Right! This is so true.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: way.

Rosie: It's as if, if someone asks, can I help? Immediately I think, huh, am I not good enough? You know, can't, don't you think I can do this by myself

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: a very natural way to think and it's the right way to think

Rosie: the right way?

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: try. No, no, until you [00:07:00] 

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: I 

Rosie: Okay. It's not the right way. Okay. Keep talking.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: better.

Rosie: Okay. We know better now.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: Yeah.

Rosie: So should we just get over it and not react when people say, can I help? Or are we training people in our lives to? use the statement, tell me what I can do to help.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: It's a two way street I think. We must let the other know how we want them to support us and they have to let us be in control of what we're doing. And just see how can they serve us? there something you can delegate to me? I would love if someone would ask me, can you delegate something to me?

Rosie: This sounds so messed up.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: I decide what I want to delegate. But when someone comes in and say, uh, let me help you, or how can I help, etc. [00:08:00] It feels like they know everything I'm doing and it

Rosie: They're trying to take over. They take away your power.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: Yeah.

Rosie: Yeah. Your agency. I

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: Agency. I love this word. Yeah.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: Dutch, but not in English. Thank you for saying

Rosie: Agency. Yes. This is fascinating because I'd never thought of it this way before. But hearing you describe why it pisses you off, I'm like, oh, so true. And we both like delegating. We're bossy. Do you think everyone thinks this way?

Rosie: Like, what is wrong with us? This does not sound logical to me.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: There's nothing wrong with us. Many, many think this way. That's why we don't ask for help. That's why you see people struggling and not asking for help. And then you have the people pleaser who want to go and help and do things for them. We, we all have it. Men have it. Women have it. Men don't have it because their ego is too big.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: They want, they can do it. And women don't ask it because they feel [00:09:00] fragile and underestimated if they ask for help.

Rosie: Hmm.

Rosie: Okay, what if we,

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: the dynamic.

Rosie: yeah, what if we turn the tables? What if I came to you, said, ruler, I need your help, or ruler, can you help me?

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: Yes, this is amazing. And I love to ask this question for others. And my responsibility, Rosie, when you come to me, is to ask you, tell me how.

Rosie: Ah,

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: How can I help you? I would have the tendency to come and look at what you're doing without asking how can I help you, and take over.

Rosie: Yeah, yeah, and it might not be helpful at all.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: Exactly. Then you would be like, oh, when did I ask her to help me? Now I feel useless.

Rosie: So true! Oh my god, I feel called out. I've definitely done that before. You're sweeping, you're trying to save the day, you're doing all these things. Oh, yeah.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: I, I do. Look, until I started reflecting on this, [00:10:00] there are two behaviors in me are now starting to shift. First, I have to stop feeling defensive when someone asks

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: can I help, or can I help you, or You know, because now I understand that they don't know what to ask, actually. Their

Rosie: mmm, mmm.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: but their 

Rosie: We need to chill, chill out. Okay.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: And the other thing is to have the guts and the courage to tell this person, I prefer if you approach it differently.

Rosie: Hmm. That's a skip. I'll just say it again. Mm. Mm. A laugh! Yes! Holy

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: yeah. Yeah. Because the first reaction from the other person would be, yeah, but I want to help you just fuck off. I mean, do it yourself then.

Rosie: doly! I, I feel like I need to practice this with someone, but I don't know who. I'll practice it with Tilly.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: With the neighbors, with me, with whatever.

Rosie: No, I guess so. You make it easy, though.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: to 

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: practice. 

Rosie: You [00:11:00] do. With your kids, your husband, all your million and one friends.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: A million and one friend. I have just million.

Rosie: So cocky.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: All right. So let's wrap up. If you're okay with that,

Rosie: Yeah, please. Yes.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: please, please let us know what you think. How, how do you ask for help and how you like to be asked. you think

Rosie: Are you a control freak, like Rula and I? Do you have some issues?

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: I don't think it's a control freak. It's

Rosie: No, it is.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: your authority.

Rosie: gun. I don't know. It's making me look at myself. A lot of reflection. All right. See you in the next one.

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: I don't 

Rosie: Bye. That was

Roula -The Rosie & Roula Show: Bye. Bye.

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