31: Is Jealousy Actually Healthy?

ROSIE: [00:00:00] do that Get on with it, what's your question? 

Roula: But how can I take off the thumbs up? 

ROSIE: There 

Roula: you go 

ROSIE: You're taking too long 

Roula: Okay, okay You're having a chocolate? 

ROSIE: That's really bad chocolate, actually. It's not nice. I bought cheap chocolate. You know, the stuff that's on the bottom shelf. Yeah, anyway, it's not good.

ROSIE: I don't know why I'm eating it. 

Roula: You know, buying things from the bottom of the shelf, it's my issue because sometimes the brand or the product I want is too high. There's no one around to grab it for me. So I just settle for whatever at my hand. Or I just go and try to find something to stand on, you know, in supermarkets you have stuff and then people passing me like moving it around with me to sections.

Roula: I 

ROSIE: love that. Every little stepping stool. They should provide those actually. 

Roula: Yeah. You know, I love the look on the face of the [00:01:00] tall people when I ask them to help me. 

ROSIE: They adore it. We love it. We love it. Yes, we do. Yes. And we have spoken about this ruler. So stop repeating yourself in another episode. Yeah.

ROSIE: But we didn't talk about this specific one. 

Roula: Oh my God. Okay. I have another thing for you. Yes. Get on with it. Oh, let's talk about jealousy. Ooh, juicy, juicy. Oh, 

ROSIE: this is a spicy topic. 

It is such a topic. 

Welcome to the Rosie Show. Marba. Good day.

ROSIE: I don't, I'm pausing because I, in my last relationship, I keep bringing out my ex. I need to stop doing that.

ROSIE: But why do I need to stop doing that? Whatever, clearly I need to talk about it. Eight years. 

Roula: [00:02:00] Oh yeah, that's a long time. 

ROSIE: Yeah. 

Roula: Just stay with someone. 

ROSIE: No, I'm kidding. Oh my God. Anyway, I think I have a lot to say because I'm processing a lot about the relationship and going, that wasn't healthy. So she was a very jealous person.

ROSIE: I would say, no, I'm not a jealous person. However, if someone is being secretive and like going to see someone isn't upfront about You know, if you're being secretive or weird about it, I'm going to get angry. And I guess people could see that as jealousy, but it's not jealousy. It's, why are you hiding this?

ROSIE: Talk to me. And even when, you know, in a relationship, tell me if you do this, Rula. This seems quite common from just the couples I see. And my ex would do it with me. I didn't do it for her. They go, Oh, [00:03:00] is it okay if I go see my friend? I can't hear you, Rula. Did you mute yourself? 

Perfection. 

ROSIE: Perfection?

ROSIE: What's perfection? I'm perfect, I think. I'm perfect. Oh, we're perfect. Oh, stop it. Continue. What the fuck, man? That was, that was a weird interruption, Rua. But asking your partner permission. Oh, is it okay if I go see my friend? And I I'm like, my response would always be, why are you asking me? Of course it's okay.

ROSIE: Like, it's not my decision who you see. That's not, what do you mean? I don't ask you permission to see my friends and I don't want you to ask me permission. That's not, that's not okay. Do we need to maybe tell each other where we're going just so we don't worry? Or just so, I don't know. Open communication.

ROSIE: Yeah, that's probably a good idea, but asking permission, no, but I think people do that because of jealousy. Like, Ooh, I'm worried they might be jealous, [00:04:00] but do you ask your husband before, do you get his permission before you see your friends? Not the permission. 

Roula: We asked because we have to check our calendar so that we see it.

Roula: Yes. Yes. It's convenient. I do have something to add to this. When you finish. Mm. I think I'm finished. You're finished. No. Yeah. Oh, yes. I don't know. I mean, jealousy in a way. It's good. Because it makes you care if it's done properly. Yeah. We have to, we have to know how can you be properly jealous? Um, I don't know.

Roula: I don't know. I don't know. I have had intense jealous feelings because I have felt so much insecurity in my position. 

ROSIE: Yes, it's a good point, 

Roula: but it wasn't on the other person to make me feel less jealous. It was up to me to know [00:05:00] what do I want? You needed to do some 

ROSIE: work on yourself. Yes, 

Roula: yes, yes, yes.

Roula: There are moments I, I'm gonna give you an example, and this is a really, really real example. When my partner and I don't do fun things together, don't spend novelty time together, don't enjoy ourselves, and we are only busy with the kids at the house and work. I get jealous when he would go out with his friends and have fun.

Roula: True. Yeah, because I don't want to only be the one to just do the practical stuff and the fun should be out there. And I, I voiced it, it wasn't easy to voice and it wasn't easy for him to understand my point of view, but we talked so much about it is that, are you allowed to talk about this? Like, are we breaking a rule?

Roula: Well, actually it didn't come easily talking about it. We talked about it after we had so much [00:06:00] argument about why am I feeling like this? Cause I was. So triggered and I didn't know why am I so jealous and then I did the work on myself and I realized that's why I'm jealous. It's not because I don't trust her or that she's going out with him.

Roula: No, I'm jealous from the fun time that I'm missing and I'm needing and I'm not getting. That's actually 

ROSIE: really logical. Makes a lot of sense. 

Roula: Yeah. Once we talked about this. Well, the problem is solved. It's fine. Because we, it helped us plan more fun together. And then, yeah, I don't care anymore. Because I want, it's healthy to go out with your friends and have fun together that is not in the relationship, but there must be a balance.

Roula: This brings me to saying, we don't feel jealous because, well, there are people who wants to have you under their control, [00:07:00] cetera. But in a healthy relationship, it's mostly miscommunication. We're not saying what our needs are. Yeah. And we're not being honest because we're scared to hurt the other person.

Roula: There is a lot of trust. Yes, 

ROSIE: you're right. So answer this with a yes or no. Is jealousy a bad thing? 

Roula: No, it's a good thing when couples train themselves to talk about it and find solutions. 

ROSIE: Love it. But you also said more than yes or no, but I agree. What was the question? Yes. 

Roula: Jealousy, a healthy jealousy is a good thing.

Roula: I said, is it a bad thing? No. 

ROSIE: Yeah. Yeah. Healthy jealousy is a good thing. Yes. You need to talk. I feel like that's becoming a key theme in our podcast, Rula, is communication. It's about everything. Yeah. Life's better if you can communicate and, and have healthy [00:08:00] conflict. Conflict isn't a bad thing either.

Roula: Wow. This is, this is amazing thing you mentioned. It's, it can make or break. It's amazing. Really healthy conflict. It's so helpful, but we have to learn how to do healthy conflict. So for people jealous out there, you know, we don't give advice, et cetera, and this point, I feel like I do want to, when people feel, unsolicited advice, unsolicited, but we're giving it for free.

Roula: You can go to the coach or you can listen to our podcast. When a person feels jealousy, the first thing is to write down why confront themselves with this jealousy before they lash out on the other one. Because once you feel jealous, Oh, goodness. The problems it brings with it. Oh, goodness. Write down your feelings.

Roula: But you're right, 

ROSIE: I [00:09:00] think jealousy is more to do with you than it is the other person. If you're feeling jealous, it's more to do with your own shit than the other person. 

Roula: And we were taught, so just maybe to close it off, we are taught that we are not supposed to like other people than our partner. I mean, I don't want to say taught, and this is such a sensitive thing.

Roula: We live on earth with so many people, we travel, we work. Of course there are cute and nice people out there. And if we look, it doesn't mean we want them. And this also should be a conversation. If you like to look at nice people and they make you feel inspired, why not? You're not doing anything wrong as long as it's an open conversation with a partner.

Roula: Open conversation, 

ROSIE: yes. There you go. That's, that's the lesson of this episode. Have an open conversation. And Rula's unsolicited advice, everybody, is if you're feeling jealous, write down why. She didn't say how you figure out [00:10:00] why, but write down why. 

Roula: Well, you can connect with me in person and I can help you figure it out.

Roula: That just sounds weird. 

ROSIE: Okay. That 

Roula: sounds very strange. 

ROSIE: But 

Roula: okay, if you cannot figure it out, is my another unsolicited advice. If you can't figure it out, leave. This is horrible advice. 

ROSIE: Get out of here. Let us know everybody. Bye. 

Roula: That could 

ROSIE: be a segment rulers unsolicited advice. 

Roula: When not to listen to 

ROSIE: Rula's advice.

ROSIE: Yeah.