36. The Power of A Thank You

Rosie : Hmm. Well, let me just pull up what we have.  

We've got some interesting ones here. Maybe something light hearted. Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

Alright, I've got one. Should I start? 

Roula: Yeah. Last week I asked you to do it today. I'll help you with the coming ones. 

ROSIE: Bloody microphone.

Welcome to the Rosie Show. Marba. Good day. 

Rosie : Roula. Rosie. There's something that really pisses me off. [00:01:00] And I want to know, is it just me? Is it just me? These are the best episodes. Yeah. Go ahead. And I never know what's going to happen.

It's like, is she going to agree with me? Is she going to call me an idiot? So when you do something for somebody and they don't say thank you, I get a little bit pissed off. In fact, I can get really pissed off, like I won't show them that I'm pissed off, but when I go away, I'm like fucking ungrateful, 

Roula: aggressive, 

Rosie : yeah, exactly.

It's not like I help someone because I want them to thank me, but when I'm generous and I help somebody, I want them to acknowledge it. I don't expect money or them to give me anything or a gift or anything. But a thank you makes me feel like I'm appreciated. 

Roula: So what happened? 

Rosie : What kind of 

Roula: help? [00:02:00]

Rosie : Nothing recently.

But what's an example? Okay. I have a 

Roula: very good example that happened to me in the past few days. Oh, tell 

Rosie : me, tell me. You go first. Tell me, tell me, tell me. 

Roula: Because, because you have to really think of your example. 

Rosie : Yeah. Mine is ready. Yeah. You go. You go. 

Roula: Yes. I think this is such, it's not only you. But also it's not everyone.

Rosie : Yeah. 

Roula: It's really, it's more about. It's not even being appreciated. It's just being seen 

Rosie : feeling. Yeah, yeah. 

Roula: And why I'm saying this, I have this person who contacts me every now and then, like once a year. Okay. Actually she was a guest on my podcast and, it's from my Dutch podcast. So she was a guest on my podcast and it's been like two years.

So every half a year, she contacts me [00:03:00] to ask me about the episode either. She mostly she wants to see how many listeners we have for this episode. Yeah. So the first time she asked me, I thought she's nice. That's an engaging. engaged guest. Yeah. Yeah. It's cool. The second time and the third time and the four, it's been like five times.

She's asking me. The thing is she does not start with, Hi Roula, how are you? And when I answer, she says, thank you. 

Rosie : No, 

Roula: her answers are all about her. 

Rosie : Yes. 

Roula: And I feel like it's, I don't know what to do with this. It's nice to start with, Hi Roula, how are you? It's been a long time. I'm curious about this and this and that, and then when I answer, Oh, thank you.

Thank you. That's cool. Kind of etiquette, isn't it? No. When she needs my answers, [00:04:00] and I kind of help because she also asked me for help about the episode. It starts with, I want this and this and that. And then I reply with, Hi, how are you? Okay, so I do it. And then she disappears. 

Rosie : She just wants something she gets it and pisses off.

Roula: Yeah. 

Rosie : Yeah, 

Roula: and this behavior actually I have not really Stood still by it. I felt there is something like when I receive a whatsapp from this person I don't feel I want to help her But then I'm like get over yourself and just do it. It's not too much to ask And then I was listening to a podcast and the guest on that podcast, I don't know if you remember Wham!,

the band Wham! Yeah, 

Rosie : yeah. 

Roula: And they had Pepsi, Pepsi and Shirley as background singers. The interview was with Pepsi because she is [00:05:00] now an author and she's not now, but I mean, she's much more than that. And in the end of the episode, answering like questions from the podcaster, one question was that, what pisses you off?

And she was like that people, when they contact me, don't ask how I am and don't say thank you. And this is how I thought, Oh, she's validating my feelings. So how I'm feeling about this person. It's not me being too much into my head. Some people just have this effect on me. It 

Rosie : pisses me off. I got another question though.

What's your example? No, no, I want to talk about something else. No, no, no, no. Something else. I'm being bossy. You said she doesn't even ask you how you are. To me, that pisses me off. If you just want something from me, don't go, Oh, hey, how are you? No, get to the point. What the fuck do you want? Don't bloody pussyfoot [00:06:00] around asking me how I am when you don't give a shit.

So I'm the opposite.

Roula: Wow, that's quite something. I have not thought of this scenario. I love this contrast. Yeah, it has to be genuine.

Rosie : So what do you want them to ask? 

Roula: Courtesy? Just kindness? Be kind. Just be kind. Fake it. But why for you, for you, this person? Okay, so, you get pissed off if they ask you how are you and you know they don't care about how you are. They just want to ask you a question. Okay, so, but this person already is an annoying person for you.

Yeah. Because you already know they don't care about how you are. Exactly. So why do you want to help them in the first place? 

Rosie : Oh, that's a whole other frickin topic. Well, that's right. I feel [00:07:00] like it's in my DNA. I want to help and serve people, and it gets me in some tricky situations. But even if I think about close friends, this is an example that happens, fair bit.

If we go out for lunch or dinner, sometimes I like to shout, and I'll buy them lunch or dinner. And it's because I want to. But if they don't thank me I think you ungrateful little shit. That's how I feel. 

Roula: Okay, okay, okay. Listen, listen. A lot of people think this way. 

Rosie : Huh. You're not alone in this. I'm about to get a lecture, aren't I?

This is a mum talk. 

Roula: No, not a lecture. You're not alone in this. But few people have the gut to voice it out loud. 

Rosie : This is true.

Roula: Having said that, I don't know, like, if these people make you feel this way, [00:08:00] why do you still want to serve and help? Isn't that another form of people pleasing? 

Rosie : I guess. But sometimes they're good people.

They're not being malicious about it. But even if they don't thank 

Roula: you, if you think they're good people and you're happy. Paying for that dinner or service. I'm not happy. If they don't say, thank you, you doing that service, then you should be able to tell them guys, where's my like, tell me Thank you.

Gimme a fucking hug. Yeah, yeah, right. Gimme a fucking hug, but answer. Yeah, but we did not ask you to pay. 

Rosie : Oh God. So what 

Roula: would be your answer for that? 

Rosie : Well, you should have said no. I'll pay for my own. Thank you. It's a two way street. Right. And I think we're really bad at having those uncomfortable conversations, especially when it comes to money.

Money makes people so uncomfortable 

Roula: raised. Have you been raised that everything is two way street because I was raised that everything is two way street and that's why it [00:09:00] affects me when it doesn't become like this. But if a person is not raised. And put in their head that it's a two way street, they probably would not be offended or notice this stuff.

Rosie : This is true, but I also think those people are entitled. They're used to getting But 

Roula: not your friends. You're not talking about your friends. No. Because you have 

Rosie : to unfriend them. I have to be careful what I say here. Yeah. Yeah. So someone who used to be. Now it's not like you have to walk on eggshells.

Someone who used to be in my life, alright? Someone who used to be in my life for a long time. They would do this. I would pay for things and do things because I wanted to. They never acknowledged it. I'd say what the fuck? I'm spending all this money. I want to, but you just, you just do it as if you expect me to.

And you say, Hey, let's go do this, but you can't afford it. So you're just expecting me to pay. [00:10:00] And

Roula: also they're not asking. When we do things for others and they did not ask for it, they do not even notice that you did it. It's not really on them. Fuck. I hadn't thought of that. And sometimes we want to help and serve.

And we don't give space for the other person to say no. You should not forget that. That's a truth bomb. And then we blame them that they didn't thank us. But they probably didn't need this help. We just 

Rosie : did 

Roula: it. 

Rosie : Yeah, maybe they think I didn't want that. What are you doing? Now you put me in this horrible situation.

This 

Roula: is true. And maybe because of that they're not saying thank you because they felt forced to do something. And okay, if they don't have money and then they say they want to do something because they know. You will go and pay for it, then they're using you, then you're stupid. 

Rosie : Ouch! Ouch! This is like beyond people pleasing.

Yeah, and it is, [00:11:00] it is stupid. And I did this for a wasted decade. Sorry, it is stupid. I 

Roula: don't want to insult you and say you're stupid because you're not. I wouldn't do this podcast with you if you were. 

Rosie : But it kind of is. You look at it and go, what the heck? It's illogical to keep doing that. You are being used.

But I think a lot of us do it and especially I see it. between parents and children, especially when their children become adults. They're first moving out of home and the child is used to getting things from mummy and daddy and expects it. They expect the car, they expect mummy and daddy to pay the rent or whatever it is.

And then the parents Keep doing it and indulging it and I think you are not helping your child learn life skills They're just relying on you. You're gonna die one day and then what's gonna happen to your child? They're gonna have no freaking idea what to do. 

Roula: Okay, we're not going to give now 

Rosie : parental advice[00:12:00]

Roula: Hang on. It's much more than 

Rosie : this. It is. But the big takeaway for me is, you said we don't give people room to say no. We help them without even asking. So perhaps we're not even helping them. And I feel very called out by that. And I'm guilty with 

Roula: this, Rosie. I'm not, I'm not saying this that because I do it right, I'm guilty of it.

And every time I reflect on it, I'm like, oh shit, I should pay attention more to these things. 

Rosie : Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I should be less pissed off when someone doesn't say thank you. And maybe you should be less pissed off when they don't ask you how you are. 

Roula: Absolutely. Now, this also helped me is that, yeah, I mean, why would I care if they say how I am?

They want something. I can give it. It's not a big issue. Yeah, they give it or 

Rosie : cut them out of your life, right? What do we put up with these people? I have 

Roula: to evaluate. She's not in my life, for example, for this example. But yes, I think there is a lot of room of reflection for both of us. And I hope that the listeners also will help us.

Dismantle this feeling [00:13:00] of wanting things from others when they do not ask for. All right, sis. All right, Rosie. Let's wrap this up. All right. Let us know your thoughts, everybody. Bye!