39. Divorce: Could Be Rising Like a Phoenix

[00:00:00]

Roula: So are we gonna now tackle divorce?

ROSIE: Oh, 

Roula: yes. Divorce. Divorce. If you're up for it. After each other. 

ROSIE: Yeah. But then you have 

Roula: to ask me again, because you haven't been divorced. 

ROSIE: I'm not allowed an opinion. I will definitely, I will definitely voice. But what's the difference between? Oh, I have a question. I have a question about this. Okay. Okay.

Welcome to the Rosie Show. Marba. Good day.

Roula: Rosie, what kind of life there is after a breakup or a divorce? 

ROSIE: Frickin hell. It's like you're a phoenix rising from the ashes. It's just like you are reborn. You are reclaiming who you are.

ROSIE: It's like a whole new identity. Some people say it's their life after the divorce or a [00:01:00]breakup. Heck yes there is. I feel like you level up to a whole new Whatever level realm, I don't know what I'm saying. You know what I mean? There's just this huge jump of personal development. I have grown so much as a person since breaking up with my ex.

ROSIE: We're together eight years. I've never felt better. People were just like, so sad for me. And yeah, okay, it's difficult, but actually I feel really good. And that's like, I shouldn't feel guilty about that. I feel awesome. I 

Roula: think it's easy to say this when your heart is not broken and you don't feel betrayed.

Roula: Okay, true. This is true. Even, even if a person is heartbroken, betrayed, hurt, there is a room, an opportunity. to get better and see, okay, what was my part of this deal? [00:02:00] Because it's never one sided. This is true. And I'm not big on accountability, aren't you? Yeah, I'm so big on accountability. Absolutely. And of course, there are there are toxic relationships, abusive relationships and everything.

Roula: But in every situation, I go back to accountability. How could I have done it differently to protect myself, to grow, and after a breakup or a relationship, divorce, no matter how hurt we are, it's our responsibility to pick up our life because it's not the freaking end. 

ROSIE: Right, it's a new beginning. No one 

Roula: said there's nothing good for you anymore because that one person left you.

Roula: And it's, it's easier when you decide to leave because you already planned, but it's you, it was easy for you because you wanted the van life. And when your girlfriend, ex girlfriend decided she's not joining you, it wasn't a deal breaker for [00:03:00] you because you want the van life more than you want your girlfriend.

ROSIE: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it wasn't, it wasn't a nasty breakup. So yeah, it's very different for different people. I should acknowledge that. Definitely. There's definitely, you know, you're going to feel shit and you are going to feel like It's the scum of the earth probably and just, Oh my God, what is my life now?

ROSIE: And there's a bit of an existential crisis, like who am I without this person, but your accountability thing is great. However, there's a danger there because what I get caught up in when I do that is this shame spiral and I keep going over and over and I'm replaying what happened and I take accountability for all of it.

ROSIE: I take all the blame. 

Roula: That's a very good point. Indeed. You feel like it was my fault. Yeah. You know, just thinking that there are two sides for each story, it can [00:04:00] never be fully your fault. Right. And this is why it's important to have conversations with others about this topic, not necessarily your partner.

Roula: So I have to interrupt for a second. There is a wire above your head that keep touching your head. I don't want you to hang yourself on it. Oh my God. Um, it's good, not necessarily with a partner and having a friend and having people you trust with whom you can talk about this. With, with constructive feedback, so you can look into your actions, what the other did.

Roula: Yeah. Don't get in your head, talk to 

ROSIE: somebody, get it out. And then you need to start moving forward, not moving on because that's going to stay with you forever. Right. And that's not a bad thing. But you can't stay stuck in the past and ruminating on it forever. 

Roula: I'm telling you, Rosie, I still have nostalgic memories to my time [00:05:00] with my ex because the experience I had with these 11 or 13 years together, I cannot like delete them.

Roula: I don't want to delete them. They're part of my life and I do have two kids with my ex. So there's a lot of nostalgic memories. There is a lot of what could have been. And, but there is no regrets because life move on. Life goes on. Even if I haven't found a partner, I would be living a life that I'm choosing.

Roula: And this is what people forget when we are deep down in the, in the, in the deep end. Process or fresh after the process, we can, it's 

ROSIE: a form of grieving, isn't it? Don't you think when you break up, yes, 

Roula: it is, it is form of grieving at least for one of the partners, because there is one partner who's taken the decision.

Roula: And if they're lucky, both of them taking the decision, [00:06:00] right, right. 

ROSIE: Yeah. 

Roula: I hear a lot of people saying that, uh, they don't feel anything for each other anymore. And they're just staying together. And then I think years are passing by. They're so wasted. Because you just want to stay together. 

ROSIE: What are you doing?

ROSIE: Yes, that's nuts. And I think so many people do that. 

Roula: Breaks 

ROSIE: my heart. 

Roula: We can discover ourselves in so many different ways after a breakup, or we stay in a settling for a relationship that is not giving us happiness, but then be clear on what each other need to continue because couples stay together for the sake of it.

Roula: And if they talk about what they need, they got offended. And they don't want it. 

ROSIE: Yeah. 

Roula: I mean, how can you waste your years living just to settle while there is so much out [00:07:00] there in the world? You can grab. 

ROSIE: Yeah. Come on, people stop settling. Start truly living. I'm pretty sure that's in my, I think that's part of my podcast thing.

ROSIE: I don't know. It's so true that you, you need to choose to live. Why are you, why are you, Because it is a choice. You are choosing to stay in a relationship that you hate, that makes you miserable, whether or not it's abusive or not, that changes things. 

But 

ROSIE: if you're unhappy and choosing to stay, I almost go, you don't have a right to complain.

ROSIE: You could divorce this person. You could leave. Oh, you can work together on finding a way. Right. You could maybe stay together, but you choose what the relationship looks like. It doesn't have to be the conventional way. Maybe it's going on dates with other people or I don't know what it would be 

Roula: different for everybody.

Roula: Yes. It's different for everybody. And the most thing that breaks my [00:08:00] heart, but because that's the kind of person I am and not everyone is like this, when, when I hear people saying that. It's, it's been like 10 years that they live like brother and sister, like good friends. That breaks my heart because I find having an intimate relationship together.

Roula: It's healthy, it's healthy and, and this intimate relationship can be by, by being connected. I'm not only talking about the sexual part of it. I'm talking about this intimate connection where you can share your thoughts, your conversations. Uh, most of these people telling me, Oh, no, I don't care. Or, Oh, he doesn't care.

Roula: We've been together for so long. It doesn't matter. You can be together for 40 years and still nourish this relationship. Yeah, I agree. Yeah. 

ROSIE: Both have to be open for it. [00:09:00] This is true. That's the tricky part. Two way street. That is the tricky part. Yeah. How the heck did you find your husband? Seriously. Oh my God.

Roula: Yeah, I think him and I, we grew so much together in terms of communication and being who we are. But this is what attracted us to each other. He was attracted to the person I am. I liked, I'm opinionated, but I'm not scared. So there was his bold 

ROSIE: chest for you. There were the looks, but then also his, his, his values, his approach to life, his beliefs, all that sort of stuff.

ROSIE: Yeah. 

Roula: Yeah. And it's hard. It's been hard work, but very fruitful. And I really tell couples, if you don't do this hard work, you will not be, um, finding what you want. Because if you don't find what you want with this partner Relationships aren't easy. together. Yeah, it's harsh. It's harsh. Not everyone can think [00:10:00] the same way, um, to go back to.

Roula: What's life after divorce or breakup? 

ROSIE: Oh, that's right. Yes. I think life can be beautiful. It's an opportunity. So please don't give up hope. It's difficult, but there's so much opportunity. You're a phoenix rising from the ashes. Yes. 

Roula: Oh, 

ROSIE: I love that. 

Roula: Which ashes? Like, okay, whatever, whatever. No, I don't 

ROSIE: know how to answer that.

ROSIE: This girl is on fire. Do you know that song? Oh, I love Alicia Keys. Yeah. I love her 

Roula: music. 

ROSIE: She is awesome. And do you know her song? Which song? Underdog. It's so good. I'm going to listen to it 

Roula: after we finish. Yes. Okay. Listen to Underdog. Let us know if you like Alicia Keys in case you don't want to answer our question.

ROSIE: Yeah, but yeah, maybe tell us about divorce, but more importantly, listen to [00:11:00]underdog Bailey. 

Roula: Thank you so much for listening. Bye. 

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