43: How to Deal with People Who Always Try to One-Up You

Roula (00:02)
Yeah, Rihanna, put the work in it. What do you think? Never.

Rosie (00:03)
Whatever the lyrics are. Yeah, okay, continue.

You calling me lazy?

Hahaha

Roula (00:24)
What do you think of the one upper?

Do know what I mean?

Rosie (00:31)
like the person who's up themselves and always just has to be more important than you. You say something and they're like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, tell their story. Those people. The one-upper. I'm going to call them the one-upper-er. One-upper-er. it is so frustrating because it feels like they're not listening. That's what it feels like when it happens. And

Roula (00:40)
Exactly.

Let's go!

Rosie (00:59)
It's a bit like they're stealing your limelight. So excuse me, I'm trying to share something with you and all you can do is take over and share something about you. But something I've realized lately is for some people that's their way of trying to connect with you. They're trying to say, I've been through something similar. understand.

but it still really pisses me off. Like, can you not just listen?

Roula (01:28)
It goes into various categories, I think. The ones who don't want to listen. The ones who want to show that they're suffering more or they're better. Because the one upper can be on anything. If you say you're busy, they say, I'm also so busy. if you say you're sick, last week I've been very sick. So it's just, it's not only to show off, it's also about whatever. And as you said, the one upper, you feel like they're not listening.

Rosie (01:31)
Yeah.

man.

Mmm!

Roula (01:57)
And

what if they are really not listening?

Because what happens after they one-up you? What do do?

Rosie (02:11)
That's a good question. I think I'd just sort of back down and let them take over, which I'm embarrassed to say that, but that's what I do. I just go, it's too much effort to try and finish what I'm saying. They're just gonna talk over me. Or if you're in a group, these people will ask you a question, you start answering it, and then they just turn away and start talking to someone else. Have you ever had that happen?

Roula (02:17)
Right?

I can't remember, but why not? It could be. Everything is possible.

Rosie (02:38)
Well, maybe it's just me. Why not? Yeah. Or you're trying to start a sentence.

It's just, it's hard. And I would like to stand up for myself more. Go, no, I was talking actually. Can you just wait? And that would be very awkward. There'd be an awkward silence there.

Roula (02:56)
Yeah, that's good. Maybe

a different kind of sentence. I don't know. I mean, the one upper. I don't even know if I want to continue telling what I want to tell.

Rosie (03:00)
am I being too blunt?

Yeah, true. That is true.

Roula (03:13)
And then it brings us back to our episode about having getting out of bed conversations. Because it's going to turn into no really. So the one upper is this person that you think you know and you have a connection with and as as oblivious as we are, we mostly also know if we tell them something, they will one up it. So the best.

Like how can we control ourselves not to tell them anything?

Rosie (03:47)
But isn't that ridiculous? Why are we spending time with people that we don't want to share anything with? I guess sometimes you don't have a choice, right? It could be in a situation, yeah, like work or something.

Roula (03:56)
Yeah. Yes. But also,

one upper can be in an argument.

Rosie (04:03)
Yeah, this is true. Yeah.

Roula (04:05)
Like you said something that you said something and you describe it and it hurts me. And then one upper is when that person, yeah, but you said that and that hurt me. It's like, it's going nowhere.

Rosie (04:16)
Yeah.

in circles or they might bring up something from years ago that you did and throw it into the mix. That happens too. And it is one-upping. Yeah, it's one-upping, but it's also very dismissive and hurtful because it feels like, did you just hear what I said? That's vulnerable to tell someone that actually really hurt my feelings. And instead of going, that wasn't my intention. I'm sorry you felt that way or whatever you say instead of

Roula (04:24)
Yeah, to one up your feelings.

Rosie (04:47)
listening and hearing it, you go, yeah, well you hurt my feelings and I didn't mean to do that. It's about them.

Roula (04:54)
So yeah, it is a one-upper. And it's the same with a one-upper that you tell them something and they one-up you. Let's say you, mean, something, there are people one-uping you in the most ridiculous thing. So if you say, bought, like, I went to the grocery shop and I got these wonderful potatoes. And a one-upper will tell you, no, no, no, no, I went.

Rosie (05:17)
Huh!

Roula (05:22)
to this specialized vegetable store and I got the most wonderful potatoes you can ever cook.

Rosie (05:25)
Mmm.

Ugh. You know, I was actually reflecting on this today. I wasn't thinking of it as a one-upper, but as a podcast host, on my podcast, interviewing people, I'll often share my experiences as well. And I was doing an interview today and it just hit me. I'm like, am I making this all about me? I just had this moment of, my, whoa, my God. That's never my intention, but I often share stories and experiences.

Roula (05:35)
You know?

Rosie (06:03)
to build connection with the guest, but I really stopped and went, how does this come across? Like I'd never thought of that before. I like to think I'm a good communicator and a good listener. But today I just paused and went, hmm, am I?

Roula (06:22)
A good communicator, think, personally, and this is also what I'm learning from my podcast, but also from my daily life, is being curious and asking questions on what the other is telling and not telling our story to compare or to express. And our podcast is very, it's a...

Rosie (06:30)
Mmm.

Yeah... Yeah...

Roula (06:45)
How can I say? It's a thin line because you want also to show yourself and your experience and relate. But maybe this is where the solo episodes are best. Or if you are sharing your experience that you think it relates to what the guest is speaking. And I'm not talking about podcasts, as we can have an irregular conversation. The most important part is that we wrap it with a curious question that bring us back to what the other is saying.

Rosie (06:47)
It is.

Yes. Yeah.

Mm-mm.

Yeah, yeah, I agree.

I agree.

Roula (07:14)
And

I think this is what you do on your podcast.

Rosie (07:17)
That's what I try to do. I really just had this moment today. It felt like an existential crisis. I was like, my God, am I a bad podcast host? I was rather tired this morning.

Roula (07:30)
That's all the van issue. You know, we will have a chance to tell our stories when we all practice curiosity and asking questions. Because if you have all this curiosity and asking questions for the other to tell you, instead of one-upping them to ask more about what they're telling you, they will also learn and reflect because we reflect behavior.

Rosie (07:32)
the Van dramas,

Hmm. Hmm.

yeah.

Roula (07:55)
Maybe they won't do it right away. Maybe they won't do it when you need it. But if we continue doing it, and I'm saying this, if I have one upper, I have really to consider if I'm even interested in getting more curious and asking questions.

Rosie (08:16)
Yeah, true. You just want to get out of the conversation. And I'm terrible at getting out of these conversations. I still need help with that. Your advice was not good enough in that episode.

Roula (08:20)
Yes

Yeah, okay. Look, one upper one time is fine. You do have these people that want to up you up on everything. And that's different.

Rosie (08:36)
Right. Stuff them.

That is different. And I think the moral is of the story is if you realize you're being a one-upper, try to just reflect and be curious. That's what you're saying, right? It's okay to share your stories about yourself, but bring it back to be curious and connect with the other person. It's not just, I bought these potatoes, but mine are better and I've never had anything like it. You know, nothing compares. Well, great. Good for you.

Roula (08:55)
Absolutely.

Rosie (09:04)
Go eat your potatoes and I'll have mine. Thanks.

Roula (09:05)
Yes.

don't one

up, it's super annoying and if you realize you're one upping ask questions if you see me one upping tell me one up, one up I will shut up yeah we all have in our lives met, lived with whatever a one-upper at work, at home, with friends everywhere the one uppers are everywhere we can be one uppers ourselves as long as we're

Rosie (09:18)
One up! One-

One up, shut up.

Hmm.

Roula (09:37)
Concerned of shit. It's not about me. Let me just listen

Rosie (09:43)
Just listen, yeah. Just listen, be

curious. Don't be a dickhead.

Roula (09:48)
I love this twist. I love it when uppers are dickheads. Not all of them.

Rosie (09:48)
Okay.

Not

all of it. Yes, sometimes we just have a bad day, right?

Roula (09:59)
Okay, let's wrap it up and I hope that you want to one up me on this one. Okay, bye bye.

Rosie (10:03)
repety rep.

One up, shut up.