83: Is Losing Your Shit Ever Justified?

Roula (00:06)
How about people that lose their shit?

Rosie (00:12)
⁓ yeah, go on. Yeah, let's do it.

Roula (00:15)
Yeah?

Rosie, I have another quick ask question for you. No, no, no. How do you feel about people who lose their shit?

Rosie (00:32)
Another kick-ass question. All right then, yeah. Not up yourself at all.

Why are you laughing?

Roula (00:48)
Because when I say the sentence, I have it very crowded in front of me in my imagination.

Rosie (00:54)
It's very

vivid. Yeah. I'm laughing because I think I might fit that description.

Roula (01:01)
Do you lose your shit? Tell me, tell me more.

Rosie (01:02)
yeah. I mean, I

mean, it depends what you mean by lose your shit, doesn't it? I'm not talking about getting violent. I'm talking about getting very, ⁓ it's a bit more than animated. The sound of you pouring your tea is very distracting.

Roula (01:20)
I'm so sorry, I won't do it anymore. Okay.

Rosie (01:21)
You're not sorry. There's like a

little tinkle in my ear.

Just having a little wee in a teacup everybody. ⁓

Roula (01:34)
This would be a nice cutting and cheering.

Rosie (01:35)
No, losing your shit.

Sometimes, if I am feeling frustrated.

or I'm passionate about something, I care about something, I will lose my shit. I'm generally, I was gonna say I'm generally a fairly patient person, but I'm not sure that's true. So I'm just take it or take that or leave it. We'll revisit that one. But I do lose my shit. I might shout or swear or just I guess be quiet in your face. Some people aren't used to having someone

be quite loud because I care. If somebody is, or if I feel like someone's wasting my time, this can happen, for example, when you're doing teamwork, I'm thinking of university when you've got group assignments and you've delegated tasks to one another and you've come up with an agreement and maybe one team member keeps not delivering and they're not communicating and then standards not up to par or they're not asking for help or clarifying questions, it goes on and on and on.

You're trying to sort it, you can't. yeah, can you hear it? Right, I'm getting fired up. And then you just fucking lose it. So hang on, what was the question?

Roula (02:42)
This is deep with you. Continue.

Do you lose your shit? Well, now I'm asking you, how do you feel about people?

Rosie (02:55)
No, that wasn't the question. No, what was the question? ⁓

I mean, it's not very pleasant to be on the other side of it. It's not very pleasant to be on the other side, but I am someone who, yeah, I'll lose my shit. Sometimes I'm by myself and I lose my shit. I'm just frustrated. But I think it's a sign that ⁓ when you lose your shit, it's a sign you care, but it's also a sign maybe you're a bit emotionally dysregulated and you need to take some time.

Roula (03:02)
losing their shit.

I'm so glad

you said that! only you, we haven't started with me yet!

Rosie (03:29)
Well, yeah. So am I someone who loses my shit? Yeah. What do I think of it? I think it's a sign someone's passionate, but also they're probably in a bit of a state of overwhelm. There's a reason somebody's reacting like that. And I think also it can be a negative thing because it can be intimidating and come across as aggressive to the other person. And does losing your shit result in a solution? I'd argue no.

It causes conflict and not a healthy sort of conflict. But tell me Roula what do you think? Cause I haven't lost my shit with you before. And I don't think you've lost your shit at me. What do you think about people who lose their shit?

Roula (04:14)
When someone loses their shit in front of me, I want to crawl in my shell. I'm like a turtle and I just want to crawl and just disappear.

Rosie (04:20)
Yeah

Mmm!

Roula (04:28)
And do I lose my shit? Of course I do.

with moderation because

I grew up in a culture where everybody's losing their shit. So much, so much. And then I moved to the Netherlands, everyone seems like don't have shit to lose. I didn't know that they're sweeping it under the rug and they're losing it big time later. The first impression was that everyone is in control. I can't lose my shit. I will look ridiculous. And there are moments where I so, so wish I can lose my shit.

Rosie (04:39)
Right, yeah.

Yeah, right.

Hmm.

Mm.

Roula (05:04)
Like I need to lose my shit. I need it. And I don't do it because I don't want the others to feel threatened, uncomfortable, ⁓ scared. When my kids were little, I lost my shit so much. I was in such a bad place with myself, with my life, with everything. And I regret them so much.

Rosie (05:06)
Surprise! Yeah!

Mmmmm ⁓

Mmm.

Roula (05:29)
that I cannot see myself doing this again. I wasn't threatening, aggressive or physically hurting them, whatever. And I remember losing my shit. Like after repeating something three times, I'm screaming. lot of parents do this. And then I remember, but these are the examples I grew up with. I can't keep doing this. It's ridiculous.

Rosie (05:37)
No.

Yeah, yeah.

rides.

Roula (05:55)
What are they learning from it? It took me time to realize that. But as a grown up now, trying to try and constantly to regulate my emotions, I so wish I can lose my shit for a second, especially now.

Rosie (06:02)
I'm

Mmm.

I'm so glad you said that.

Sometimes you do need it, but I think it's learning to do it at the right time in the right place. Part of me thinks, well,

Roula (06:20)
Did

break things a couple of times.

Rosie (06:22)
Yeah,

Roula (06:24)
I remember one thing that I broke. I punched a plant pot, a big one. Yeah, it hurt so much. I made a hole in it and I turned it so no one would see it. It was in my bedroom.

Rosie (06:34)
Ouch!

Roula (06:47)
looked intact and I'm sure I threw things this this feeling of breaking stuff you know the song from Limp Bizkit break stuff this is the song Limp Bizkit break stuff and it's horrible if you listen to it it's very aggressive but when I listen to it I don't want to break stuff I sang the song and I'm so yeah again I find refuge in music to let my

Rosie (06:58)
I don't.

Yeah, yeah.

Roula (07:15)
losing my shit more in the songs I listen to than in my behavior, but I wish I could lose my shit. Today we're recording and this topic is crazy. I didn't think I'm gonna do say this. I wish I could lose my shit today because something's going on and I feel like I wish I could lose my shit, but I won't.

Rosie (07:17)
Yeah... Yeah...

You say that as

if you can't. Okay. But is that cause you can't lose your shit? Like, why do you say, I wish I could, you won't. So why are you choosing not to lose your shit?

Roula (07:39)
No, I won't. I won't.

I won't get anything in return from it.

It's not gonna help. It's really not gonna help. It's not a solution. ⁓

Rosie (07:53)
Right.

So how do we get that energy out? Because I think it's a lot to do with anger and frustration. It just builds up. Sometimes a song is not enough.

Roula (08:04)
You catch me because I was saying that's for me could be enough a walk ⁓

Rosie (08:10)
Yeah, you

got to find a safe way to do it, don't you? Safe for yourself and safe for the people around you. I think that's really important. Like, when you punched that flower pot, did you feel better? Right.

Roula (08:13)
Yes.

No!

It had zero impact on getting better in my feeling. Nothing, nothing. It felt stupid.

Rosie (08:29)
Right. And it probably wasn't a very safe

thing to do. Right. So it didn't help you. So we got to find better ways. ⁓

Roula (08:34)
No!

Most importantly, when a stranger lose their shit, I run away. I, this, I find it the most scary thing. When someone in my home would lose their shit, I don't try to, I show understanding so that I can bridge a time so we can talk about it later. But this was also a process. It's not like you can do it like this.

Rosie (08:43)
Yeah, I don't want to be around that either. Yeah.

Mmm.

later.

Totally.

No, yeah, totally agree. I think often when we're on the brink of losing our shit, it's a sign, hey, I need some time with myself to just get this emotion out. But it's shouting in your pillow, going to do some boxing, doing a workout at the gym, going for a walk, going for a run, listening to some music.

And it's going to be different for everybody, but losing your shit around the people you love or around strangers even, it's, no, it's not cool. It's really not.

Roula (09:36)
Not cool.

Even now I'm saying I wish I could lose my shit. You're talking and I'm thinking I don't need that. I can just go and listen to music or a podcast or something. I don't need to lose my shit. What a waste of my time.

Rosie (09:52)
Hmm.

Hmm. Maybe. Sometimes I just need to shout. Yeah. No, that's true. When you're the moment of wanting to lose your shit, you're not going, I might just listen to some music.

Roula (09:57)
But only with reflection. It doesn't happen quickly, this rational thinking.

Rosie (10:09)
So what was the question again?

Roula (10:12)
How do you feel around people losing their shit?

Rosie (10:14)
Or how do I feel around it? Yeah, it's not nice. It's both. Yes, I'm guilty of losing my shit. When, it's someone I'm close with and they're losing their shit, old me would have just lost my shit too. And it just escalates the situation. Two people losing their shit. Now it's like, hey,

Roula (10:17)
Or do you lose? I mean, it's both.

Rosie (10:35)
let's take a beat. You need to, you know, I just need to go and think you need some time to process whatever's going on for you. And let's come back when we can have a productive conversation. And it is so hard to say that because in the heat of the moment, emotions are flying high and emotions aren't rational. We think we're such rational beings. We're not, we are so emotional, so irrational. So we've got to help ourselves.

Roula (10:52)
Yeah.

It made

me think ⁓ in advising my son, if he feels like he's losing his shit, I try also not to advise him to go punch a pillow or do kickboxing because I don't want him to lose his shit in physical aggressive activity. And I don't know if this makes sense. I feel like if you... Help me. ⁓

Rosie (11:13)
Mm-mm.

Kind of, but-

Well, tell you how I'm interpreting that. You don't want him to think violence is okay. Am I right in saying that? Okay. And that I understand because yeah, I agree violence is not okay. That could show up in many ways. However, I think getting your anger out in a physical way can be done safely and teaching our men, our boys in particular, how to do that is so important.

Roula (11:34)
Yes, yes.

Rosie (11:57)
Because it's role modelled to them when they're angry and they want to be physical, they'll punch someone. They'll have a fight with someone.

or they'll go out and drink or have whatever it is. That is not a safe and healthy way to process the anger. But there are physical ways that are safe.

Roula (12:16)
True. I'm gonna revisit.

Rosie (12:16)
So I, yeah,

so I think there's, it's not a simple, well, don't be physical because then you're teaching them to kind of just always let it out in passive ways, which sometimes isn't enough. For me, sometimes talking isn't enough, putting on music that helps me regulate. Sometimes it's not enough. I just need to fricking shout. I need to cry. I might need to punch a punching bag, whatever it is. So I don't know.

I question maybe sometimes it would be helpful to you and your son to think about ways that, physical ways that are safe.

Perhaps.

Roula (13:01)
Yeah, yeah, it's something I need to revisit in my thinking.

Rosie (13:05)
Mmm.

This is hard.

⁓ that was, that was, this is a hard question. Really makes me look in the mirror too. I think over time I have become more mindful of losing my shit. I used to have a very short fuse and sometimes I still do have a short fuse. Often when I'm not in a good space. Yeah, you too. And

Roula (13:26)
I

I had lot of short fuses growing up. So many.

Rosie (13:33)
Yeah, me too. Yeah,

right. But we learn how to still be ourselves, still let our emotions out, still process them, but in a way that's safe. I think safety is really important.

Roula (13:48)
Yes. ⁓ Dear listener, do not lose your shit on us. Continue listening. But share with us what was the thing you done one time when you lost your shit. Do you dare sharing?

Rosie (14:02)
Yeah.

Mmm. Yeah, Rula punched a flower pot.

Roula (14:09)
and broke it. Alright, thank you so much for listening.

Rosie (14:10)
mmm and broke it that's a strong punch