86: Can You Be Alone Without Feeling Lonely?

Rosie (00:00)
Here's a question for you, Roula And it's from listener.

Roula (00:03)
Is this also from the listener or from you?

okay. But why for me? Isn't it for us?

Rosie (00:10)
Well because

I've, well yeah this is true, but I have the recording because somebody didn't check the email account, Roula

So.

Roula (00:20)
I am in no obligation. I call in the first amendment and I have no obligation to answer you.

Rosie (00:38)
one. Okay, here we go. If I can find the play button. Hi, Rosie and Roula I'm just wondering, can you be alone without being lonely?

You can start with the answer.

Roula (00:55)
They're two different things.

Rosie (00:57)
Yeah, I agree.

Roula (00:58)
We can be with the whole world with us and feel so damn lonely.

Rosie (01:03)
Mmm.

Roula (01:06)
And being alone is... we have to learn how to love ourselves company, how to love to be with ourselves. Because there isn't enough ⁓ importance put on this topic. There is so much importance about making friends, keeping friends, having friends, having a social network, a community, having good colleagues and good neighbors.

Rosie (01:24)
Mm-hmm.

Roula (01:35)
There is so much emphasis on the outside and so little on being happy alone.

Rosie (01:45)
Yeah, I agree. I'm really quiet because I'm just sitting here going, yeah, why do we not place more importance on our relationship with ourselves? Surely that is the most important thing.

Roula (01:57)
And I...

You can answer this question even better than me. You're living the van life and you are alone. So tell me Rosie, how do you experience it?

Rosie (02:04)
because I'm a single lady.

I mean,

I've got my dog, but yes, there's not another human with me. And sometimes I feel very lonely. Other times, not lonely at all. And I think I would have the same feelings if there was someone living in the van with me.

It makes no difference.

Roula (02:35)
Do you remember? No, no, do you remember what are the moments that you would feel lonely?

Rosie (02:35)
Or am I full of shit?

Asking deep questions, my god. I feel like you needed to set me homework to think about this. Maybe when I'm really sad and I would like someone to talk to but there's no one, that would be a time where I feel lonely. Or when I aren't making time to do the things that bring me joy, I feel lonely. But if I'm out in nature,

Roula (02:55)
Okay.

Rosie (03:19)
out having an adventure. I could be by myself or with Tilly. I don't feel alone. I'm by myself. I'm, I'm, no, lonely. I am alone, but I don't feel lonely.

Roula (03:32)
Is nature for you more important and happier than human touch?

Like, do you miss someone with you to cuddle and to hug and rather than walking out in nature?

Rosie (03:46)
The fact that I had to pause to think about that is interesting. I feel like a lot of people would say, no, human touch, number one. But I had to pause and think about that. And I don't know what my answer is. I feel like equal.

Roula (04:00)
⁓ great.

Rosie (04:01)
Maybe.

Maybe? Don't hold me to that. You could ask me tomorrow and it might be different.

Roula (04:07)
I am not as mean as you are. Remember in the past episode how mean you were to me but I will not do the same. I will not throw stones at you. Rocks, rocks because you threw stones at me. I learned this somewhere I listened to. Okay, back to loneliness. ⁓ I have experienced...

Rosie (04:09)
OOOOH!

I do not throw stones.

Roula (04:31)
tremendous amount of loneliness when I first moved to the Netherlands.

Rosie (04:37)
Mmm.

Roula (04:39)
It was, for me, the extreme level of loneliness because I left my family, my friends, the people that I see every day, and I lived completely alone with my husband, with my new husband, which she was back then, a new person in my life.

Rosie (04:56)
Mm-hmm.

Roula (05:00)
And I experienced very deep loneliness.

I haven't experienced it again, even though I've been alone after the divorce, I've been alone and now that the kids are older, I'm alone most of the time, not most of the time, but pretty a good deal of the time, more. And I love to be alone because I want to be with myself. I just want to be with Rula, who Rula is.

Rosie (05:20)
More.

Mmm!

Roula (05:34)
And these are the moments that I enjoy mostly in the car, because I'm completely alone. I listen to whatever shit I want to listen to, in my head, the thoughts that I want. ⁓ I can just go down in my head wherever I want to go, and no one is there to interrupt me. I don't like to be interrupted when I'm in my head. So being ⁓ alone, we all should seek moments to be alone.

Rosie (05:51)
Yeah.

You can just be yourself, yeah.

Mm. I think some people find that more scary than others.

Roula (06:08)
Yeah, this is, it could be. I'm not a psychologist. I'm just speaking from my life experience. No, I'm not sure, but let's just, I don't have a certificate. What I think is when a person doesn't want to be alone, there is something they need to try to find out why they think their happiness is from others. What is the added value?

Rosie (06:13)
You sure?

⁓

wow. Yeah.

Roula (06:39)
And of course there are people alone and being lonely, especially, you know, we experienced this during COVID because no one checks on the other person anymore. But we're not going into the complicated part.

Rosie (06:44)
yeah.

No, okay, okay. No,

let's shut up. You're not a psychologist, right? Isn't that what you just said? Yeah, okay.

Roula (06:59)
Yeah, I'm not.

Rosie (07:01)
So what is loneliness?

if we had to define it.

Roula (07:09)
talking from my experience. It's a deep sadness.

Rosie (07:14)
Mmm.

Roula (07:16)
missing something either you had and you lost or do you wish you can have?

Rosie (07:22)
Yes sir!

Hmm. Something you had that you've lost or something you wish you had. Did you just do a mic drop action then? Yeah. Roula is a little bit proud of that. I got to say that was good. That was good. And I, I think maybe it's tied to having a sense of belonging as well. When you don't feel like you belong, it feels very lonely.

Roula (07:34)
Yeah.

This is so good too. Another mic drop.

Rosie (07:54)
We're

both mic dropping.

Roula (07:58)
Yes, a sense of belonging. I love what you said. And you know what? People who are feeling lonely are belonging to each other.

Rosie (08:09)
⁓

Roula (08:11)
And it's not wrong to seek. There are many Facebook communities that are so helpful. And belonging doesn't mean only belonging to the fun part. You can also belong to whatever things you are interested in. And being lonely and not feeling belonging is another something to dig deeper. Where do you want to belong and go and search for it? We have to take actions too.

I'm very much on accountability. You know? So if you feel lonely...

Rosie (08:39)
Right. Yup.

Roula (08:47)
What are the actions you think you can take? And it's not easy because if someone is feeling lonely, they're not going to take action. But started thinking of what could look like for them not to be lonely.

Rosie (08:54)
Hmm.

Mmm.

Roula (09:01)
This is the first step towards getting out of it.

Rosie (09:03)
Can you be

lonely and happy?

Roula (09:08)
If this is their growth, where they want to be, yes. I don't know. I say yes.

Rosie (09:12)
I don't think you

can.

Roula (09:16)
Count your blessings.

If you're lonely and counting your blessings, maybe you feel happy.

Rosie (09:25)
Hmm. I don't think you can be lonely and experience true happiness because I think it just comes from the core of who we are. There's something missing.

Roula (09:34)
Thank

But, happiness is moments in our life. Happiness is not a state we live in continuously. These are things that happen in our life and make us happy.

Rosie (09:45)
Hmm.

Fuck's sake, you're such a smarty pants.

Such a smarty pants.

Roula (09:54)
You

make me think of SpongeBob.

Rosie (09:59)
SpongeBob

Roula (10:01)
Come on, I love Bikini Bottom City.

Rosie (10:06)
You make a good point though. Happiness, there's moments of happiness. It's not a constant state of being. Fine. Fine. Yeah, so you can still experience happiness and be lonely. Maybe just not at the same time.

Roula (10:22)
And if they want to

feel less lonely, they have to start listening to our podcast. How about that? Here you go.

Rosie (10:28)
Yes, there you go. And in fact,

listeners, the Roula says dear listeners. So dear listener, listener, listeners.

Roula (10:41)
Listeners, dear listener, it has more impact.

Rosie (10:43)
Dear listener,

it does dear listener.

What was I going to say? forgot. No. Yes. No, no, no. Yeah. Obviously. Cause you're already listening. But can we ask that you share this episode with someone in your life who you think is feeling a little bit lonely.

Roula (10:52)
Listen to our podcast to feel less lonely.

Rosie (11:09)
It's just a subtle way of saying, I'm thinking about you. And these two chicks are awesome. They're gonna make you laugh.

Roula (11:11)
⁓

Chicks.

Rosie (11:21)
Alright, that's enough.

Roula (11:25)
That's enough, thank you and enjoy your alone time. Bye.