187: It's OK For Adults To Have Tantrums Too! (But Kids Tend To Handle Them Better)

Rosie (00:01)
I seem to be opening all the episodes this week Rula. I've done a lot of talking. Is that okay?

Roula (00:07)
You know why?

Rosie (00:09)
Why?

Roula (00:10)
Extraordinary things happening in your life this week.

Rosie (00:15)
That's a nice way to frame it, isn't it? Clearly I just got a lot to talk about. I ended the last episode saying I had a tantrum this week.

And you were like, how about we talk about that in the next episode? And I thought, oh shit. Okay.

Damn it.

Would you agree, before I share my tantrum, that adults have tantrums too?

It's not just children.

Roula (00:58)
⁓ What I think, we have more tantrum than the kids.

Rosie (01:04)
Yeah. Wow. Say more.

Roula (01:10)
I think of how many times I get angry during the day because this is not done because ⁓ things were not done my way or I still have to do this and I'm tired and if I think of all the stuff that goes in me and my reactions these are small tantrums thrown small passive aggressiveness and reactions towards other people these are also tantrums I might not sit and cry my eyes out which sometimes I do

Rosie (01:15)
Yes.

Yeah!

Yeah.

Roula (01:40)
but yeah, sometimes I do feel I want just to scream and stuff it.

Rosie (01:46)
Yeah, yeah. That's true. And as adults, it's like, we're allowed to let our emotions out, but children, if they get angry or upset or swear or say the wrong thing, we shut them down. No, you can't do that. But if I stub my toe, I go, ⁓ fuck, ouch. And another adult will go, are you okay? But if I was a child and said, ⁓ fuck, ouch.

most adults, there's a

See ya.

go watch us on YouTube. was a pheasant. ⁓ Yes, if a child said, fuck, ouch, most parents would tell them off, don't swear. Rather than checking if they're okay, the first thing would be like, no, don't swear.

Roula (02:45)
That is so true.

Rosie (02:48)
Hmm. I don't even know where to go with this.

Roula (02:50)
Unless they are conscious

parents, you know, the conscious parents, they're always in control of their emotions, of their reactions. They live on a cloud of happiness when their children are around. No, they don't exist.

Rosie (02:54)
⁓ yes, what do they call it? ⁓ my god, how? my god.

I think that's bullshit.

But you know what, think showing our kids that we're human is also important. I grew up thinking adults were just like perfect on pedestal. you know, oh, why is one? Until I got a little bit older and towards teenage years and then I just started questioning everything. All right, total bullshit. But something I try to do when I'm with kids at the school, for example, I told off these kids the other day. They were lying down on the carpet.

Roula (03:25)
so much bullshit.

Rosie (03:38)
And it was in someone else's classroom and I was coming in to move the kids. Anyway, I told them off and they just sort of looked at me and ignored me. And I was getting a bit like cross, like, they're not listening. Anyway, I later found out that they are allowed to lie down in class during this time. And so I found these boys, I went up, I said, you know what? I didn't realize that you were allowed to lie down. I said, I'm really sorry about before.

And I'd set it to them separately and each one of them paused to sort of stared at me, like processing like, my God, and Adolt just said sorry. And they went, that's okay.

Roula (04:14)
They're so forgiving. I feel my son is much more forgiving for me when I throw a tantrum than me forgiving for him. He has more understanding that it's it's incredible children. OK, I know that some like two episodes ago we were going on. There's little devils, but truly, truly they.

Rosie (04:20)
Isn't that interesting? ⁓

You

Roula (04:40)
have so much understanding when they feel safe and heard and understood. And throwing a tantrum is because they don't have the vocabulary to express. OK, sorry. When did we learn to express our feelings? Almost some of us never and some of us through therapy and we've been through trauma and not knowing why we're reacting this way. And having a tantrum, Rosie,

Rosie (04:52)
Right, right.

Yeah. Right. Mm.

Roula (05:10)
tell me first why did you have a tantrum because I don't talk about the children

Rosie (05:13)
boy.

Yeah, enough about kids, right? So, you know, as you know, the van is an ongoing project working with things. And the latest thing has been doing electrical stuff. And I hired an electrician to do work and he spent like a good eight hours over a couple of days doing work on it. And all I had to do, had a little bit of stuff to do myself to finish it off. I had four bolts to screw in.

Just four.

Well, four hours later, I was on the verge of tears, having a like on the verge of having a breakdown because one of the bolts wouldn't tighten. It just was not doing what it should. And then I kind of thought I found the problem and then I thought I was going to fix it. And then I created another problem because I broke something by trying to tighten the bolt when I shouldn't have. And now part of the electrical system isn't working because I broke apart. And I was just.

at my wits end last night. was tired after a day of teaching. It was hot. I was hot and bothered. I was cranky. I was hungry. my god. I

Roula (06:24)
Don't we have an episode,

a recent one saying that we should breathe, take a breath and not make decisions when we're in panic?

Rosie (06:30)
fucking

deep breath. Fuck it. Well, you know what? I did end up walking away, but it took me several hours to do so. I actually posted a video on my TikTok.

Roula (06:38)
First you ruined it

and then you walked away.

Rosie (06:42)
Well, tried

to, I was trying to problem solve it. I was learning, you know, I've learned to be resilient and just because something doesn't work the first time doesn't mean you give up. But that kind of backfired. ⁓ But I did end up walking away from it. I think once upon a time I would have maybe tried to keep going and made it even worse. So at least I stopped. And I'm not going to look at it today. I want to, but.

Roula (06:51)
Yeah.

Wow.

Rosie (07:09)
I'm tired. I need a break. So I'll come look at it with fresh eyes tomorrow.

Roula (07:15)
So you won from yourself because usually you would continue until it's completely broken and this time there was a moment where you thought I'm gonna stop. So you did win from yourself.

Rosie (07:20)
The wild tree.

True.

Still doesn't feel like a win, hey? Because what if I persevered and then I got it?

Roula (07:28)
Did you like stand up and throw things?

How did your tantrum look like? ⁓

Rosie (07:32)
⁓ I didn't... I was

swearing a lot. for fuck's sake! And then I was saying things like, I'm so confused, like, my god, how did I even do this? I've broken it, I'm gonna have to pay money, like all the negative self-talk. And then I felt the tears coming in and I was just like, ugh. And you know what I did? Rather than getting in a funk and continuing in this downward spiral, I just went and spoke to a friend. I had a bit of event and then we spoke about other things and I just kind of went, ugh.

Okay, I'm gonna go eat some food now.

Roula (08:06)
I

want to take this back to children. We go, talk to a friend, but when our kid has a tantrum and we're not understanding, our kid is stuck with us. They don't have anyone else to talk to.

Rosie (08:09)
Okay.

And we often make them go sit with themselves by themselves when they're having a tantrum. We remove them from everybody else. Go to your room. Go to the corner. Like you're being disruptive. If, yeah, like if I stayed by myself last night when I was feeling overwhelmed and the tantrum was coming, yeah, I don't think that would have been helpful. It would have ended up a lot worse. I would have been in tears, definitely.

Roula (08:23)
Yeah.

Ooh, I hate that.

Rosie (08:44)
Would I have been able to go to work today? I don't know. So isn't that interesting? We separate our young kids. Or sometimes we get them to talk to an adult, don't we?

Yeah, I don't know. Have you ever hit a tantrum, Ruler?

Roula (09:04)
I sure I did. I can't think of one now. I did have a tantrum and punch something and then I broke it. Okay. How about that? Okay, yeah.

Rosie (09:13)
I remember there is an episode where you mentioned this. You punched a hole in the wall.

Yes, you did. And broke a flower pot or something, I seem to remember.

Roula (09:20)
Flower pots, yeah.

I think that was a big tantrum. ⁓ There is a time, well, maybe I used to have tantrums before a lot because I didn't know how to place my feelings, what's the right decision to make. I was stuck and my tantrums were bigger. ⁓ I remember my family told me my kids were still a bit younger than my husband.

Rosie (09:32)
Mmm.

Right.

Yeah.

Roula (09:51)
And I think we mentioned this before. They said like, yeah, you need to do something about this. And then I found a workshop. It's called the Driftkicker, the frog. Yeah. So I think after I did this workshop, I started my journey and doing having less tantrums. But if I feel I'm having a tantrum, I really learned how to self calm. I taught myself how to self calm in the hard way.

Rosie (10:00)
or the frog or something. ⁓ okay, yeah, yeah.

Mmm.

Roula (10:21)
I go for a drive. I do retreat.

Rosie (10:28)
Yes, yes.

Roula (10:29)
from the house, from the family. And I don't make eye contact because the moment I make eye contact, I'm gonna explode. So I just don't make eye contact and I try to calm down. And I keep thinking it's not their fault. It's not their fault. It's not their fault, you know?

Rosie (10:37)
⁓ yeah, I'm like that, yeah.

Right. It's

so easy to take it out on others, isn't it? Yeah. I don't know if you can hear it.

Roula (10:48)
yeah do i have this

do i sometimes need just to sit down and scream and break stuff 100 000 but i don't act on them

Rosie (10:56)
Yes, yes, yeah, sometimes we need that.

⁓ okay. I don't know if you can hear it, but it's just started raining and...

Roula (11:05)
⁓

you need to go inside. Started raining! Wow!

Rosie (11:08)
see.

it's so nice it was 41 degrees today so hot so humid Tilly's like get me out of the rain ⁓ but it just cools things down so nice

Roula (11:23)
Do you need to go inside?

Rosie (11:27)
for now. The laptop is is dry it's sort of undercover. I'm getting wet but...

Roula (11:32)
Okay,

good.

Rosie (11:35)
We'll see how, if it gets... No, exactly, I just got short hair. I might take my shoes off, I don't want them getting wet. where did it go? But yes, tantrums. Listeners, when was the last time you had a tantrum? Okay, rain's getting heavy, I need to relocate.

Roula (11:36)
Well, your hair won't be ruined anyway.

Alright, bye bye, let us know!