87: Would You Date Your Friend’s Ex?

Roula (00:00)
⁓ I've got it, hold on. ⁓ I can't, because you're moving it.

Rosie (00:03)
I have

What?

Roula (00:08)
Yeah, I'm in the file and I scroll down and then it moved or maybe just. ⁓

Rosie (00:12)
did it? It shouldn't.

Roula (00:28)
Rosie. Okay, remember we made our episode 61 about flirting? Okay. Yeah, I do love it. I love flirting. And in the realm of flirting, I have a question for you. All right. Do you think it's okay to date a friend's ex?

Rosie (00:30)
Yes.

Yeah, you loved that episode.

Yep.

Mmm.

Roula (00:59)
Or have you been in this situation before?

Rosie (01:02)
I haven't. ⁓ I think it depends on the circumstances. Like if you're going behind their back and doing it, I don't think that's okay. Cause it makes, it would make me question your intentions. But, you know what Rula? I don't feel qualified to talk about this. What, like this person is your ex for a reason. What if they did something horrible and your best friend

Roula (01:31)
Wow

Rosie (01:31)
has now fallen in love with your ex and is dating them. That feels like, that would feel like, I imagine, the ultimate betrayal.

But not every relationship ends on bad terms. So in that case, would it be okay for your friend to date your ex? Like, how do you navigate that? I feel like you are a woman with much experience in the world of flirting and dating and all the rest of it. So, share your wisdom, please.

Roula (02:10)
funny. Okay, of course I built totally different opinion with the age, with life experience, etc. I do remember when I was 18 years old maybe, 19 years old, I did date a friend's ex.

Rosie (02:18)
Yeah, yeah.

Of course you did.

Roula (02:29)
And then, shut up Rosie,

you don't know everything about me. And the friend didn't want to care, I think she was too proud, but her sister threatened me with a knife.

Rosie (02:40)
Mmm.

What?

Roula (02:46)
Yes, she threatened me. She wanted me to break her off and she was holding a knife in my face.

Rosie (02:52)
my god!

Roula (02:56)
And even at that young age, I had these questions in my mind, but he's her ex. And if he's her ex, then he doesn't belong to her anymore.

Rosie (03:10)
Well, this is true.

Roula (03:13)
They felt, and I understood that at the moment, and I understood it and I actioned on it, they felt betrayed because in their eyes he wasn't good for her sister. So me being with him means I'm betraying her sister because I'm with someone who's not good for her. ⁓ I'm with a bad person who hurt them.

Rosie (03:24)
Mm.

Mmm.

Roula (03:37)
And getting older, I realized he was bad for her, but he wasn't a bad person. Or let me put it in a different way. In her eyes, he was bad for her.

Rosie (03:51)
Okay.

Roula (03:52)
So it's relative. The relationship we have with people don't have to be exactly the same experience as someone else with that people experience relationship.

And this stayed with me, stayed with me because I spent years of my life thinking, was I wrong? I mean, someone's threatening you with a knife. brings... Yeah, yes. And I wanted to know. No, no, no, no, he wasn't like a serious boyfriend or we weren't going anywhere.

Rosie (04:12)
Really? Wow. That's gonna stick with you, isn't it? ⁓

Did you stay with this person after being threatened with a knife? Okay.

Yeah, but after you were threatened

at Knife Point, did you immediately call it off or what happened?

Roula (04:33)
No, of course I didn't. Don't threaten me with a knife. I'm not doing what you want me to do. Because I had all my life this thought that I could take anyone down and it's not true. It's not true. Also age and life experience taught me it's not true. So what happened? When I, the years passed and I'm in relationships,

Rosie (04:34)
Ha!

You're so powerful. I love it. Yeah.

Mm.

Roula (05:00)
But I came to realize from a personal perspective, we don't own a person.

Rosie (05:07)
Yeah.

Roula (05:09)
We don't own a boyfriend, a husband, and we don't own a friend. What's not good for me doesn't mean it's not good for someone else.

Rosie (05:14)
Mm-hmm.

Roula (05:20)
And yes, I could be telling my friend about how awful this person was to me, but this doesn't mean that my friend agreed that I'm right and that person was awful.

Rosie (05:32)
This is true. We take, we put our baggage on other people, don't we?

Roula (05:37)
Yeah. It's, it's, can you tell me more? I said, yeah, but what do you mean? We put our back and saw other people.

Rosie (05:38)
What is that about?

You just agreed and I could mean anything. You have no idea what I'm talking about.

Roula (05:52)
You're so shallow. Payback time. Very subtle. ⁓

Rosie (05:56)
Wow.

But what I mean by baggage is, okay, say I've, I have a boyfriend. This is hilarious. That I've, say I've broken up with somebody. I can't even get the words out, Brula.

Roula (06:10)
Can you give me a realistic example? You would

never ever have a boyfriend. Can you say a girlfriend instead?

Rosie (06:18)
I have had boyfriends let me just say so don't you put me in a box. No, okay, so Let's say I've got an ex you are so distracting right now rules doing a little dance with her hands

Roula (06:31)
living in a box baby I'm living in a cardboard box

Rosie (06:34)
You

Anyway, there's an X, an X. And you?

have started dating this person. And I might get really upset because this person I was in a relationship with really hurt me. And I'm not talking about domestic violence, nothing like that, but they hurt me. And I see you, someone I consider a friend, dating a person who has caused me so much pain.

And I, fine, yes.

Roula (07:10)
Can I come in with a question?

Continue, finish this scenario.

Rosie (07:17)
You cut me off and

now I've forgotten. So you're dating this person and it does feel like betrayal. Cause I'm like, how dare you? This person was really mean to me. They hurt me.

What about your happiness?

I'm putting my baggage on you, my baggage of this person hurt me.

Roula (07:38)
Yes.

Yes. The counter question I would come here and I hope my friend will be open-minded to answer it is that that's your side of the story. There is another side of the story that your ex have told me and I think you were a total bitch.

Rosie (07:54)
Yeah.

think you guys should be friends, my god.

Roula (08:05)
He, she or that

person did not deserve it. So I'm going to make this person happy and I leave. you really should watch this on YouTube. It's funny.

Rosie (08:14)
Wow

Wow,

I'm coming after you at knife point. I see how it is.

Roula (08:24)
No, no, seriously, seriously. This is what I'm saying is that how we behave in our relationships says about us as a person. And I'll give you an example in my actual life. We're not talking about exes. We're talking about being in a relationship with someone that was not good for you. So my ex is in a relationship and has new children and I'm with my husband and we have...

Rosie (08:26)
Yeah, seriously.

Yeah.

Okay.

Roula (08:53)
new child together. I'm not saying new new but I'm different. You know, so the ex of my actual husband doesn't have a good experience with him, they couldn't stay in a relationship and him and I were striving, were thriving.

Rosie (08:57)
We get it. All right.

Mm.

Roula (09:11)
My ex, I couldn't stay in a relationship with him. We weren't good for each other, but he's thriving in his new relationship. And this is an example of people should get over, he's my ex, why are you dating him? Just go look, be happy in your life and let others live their life. Yeah.

Rosie (09:30)
Get over yourself. Isn't it interesting?

Essentially, we're making it about ourselves. If you were dating my ex and I have issue with it, I'm making it about me.

Roula (09:36)
Correct.

Yeah. And time.

Rosie (09:44)
When

would it be okay though? Surely there is a scenario where me having an issue with you dating my ex would be valid or acceptable.

Roula (09:59)
I

Rosie (10:00)
Maybe if you were concerned for the other person's safety. So it's something about, so if I was worried about you, Rula,

I'm not worried about me and this person hurt me and you're heading my feelings and he was mine, blah, blah, blah.

I'm worried about your wellbeing. Maybe then it would be okay to have a discussion, but it's not anybody else's choice who you date, who you love, who you spend time with. So how dare we think that that is within our control.

Roula (10:36)
Exactly. What the other person is doing is not in our control and we cannot influence it. people should be able to have this difficult conversation.

It doesn't mean they must break up their relationship unless, unless the presence of that third person is very painful for your friend and they really cannot get over it. And I hope they find the right coaching and help to get over it and go on with their life. Holding a grudge is not advisable.

Rosie (11:04)
Right, right.

⁓

it's not healthy as a... I mean, I don't think you necessarily have to forgive people, holding onto that anger, I don't think it serves us. But I feel like we're n*** up down a rabbit hole here, Rula. I really want to hear people's stories about this. The fact you were held at knife point.

What the fuck? There's gotta be other stories out there. Clearly my dating life's just boring. I have never had someone threaten me with a knife going, very dare you date this person.

Roula (11:40)
Yes.

Yes, these things happen. hi Tilly! okay. Guys, let's leave Rosie in her shower with Tilly.

Rosie (11:49)
⁓ she's licking my nose. Hello, darling.

Wow, okay

Roula (12:02)
And let us know what you think about this topic. We're joking and it happens to a lot of people. All right. Bye.

Rosie (12:10)
Tillie says bye too.