197: Why We Avoid Talking About Death and How to Remember Loved Ones We’ve Lost

Roula (00:01)
Okay, so I have a question that might sound sad and bring up some tears maybe, but in reality we will both feel very happy talking about it.

Rosie (00:16)
Ooh, okay, hit me.

Roula (00:29)
Alright, so in the month of October, Rosie you celebrated the anniversary of your parents'

Rosie (00:38)
Yes, yeah.

Roula (00:40)
Because your mom and your dad passed away when you were pretty young.

they celebrate their birthday in the same month. And this, felt so touched by it and made me want to ask you something that you already asked before. So I'm just repeating what you said.

Rosie (01:00)
Okay,

and somebody forgot to hit the record button last time I asked it. We all muck up, it's okay, yes.

Roula (01:02)
Yes, I'm trying to do it very serious.

Why is it so hard, but some kind of so much of a taboo to talk about our deceased loved ones?

Rosie (01:19)
Mmm.

Roula (01:22)
to bring their memory.

Rosie (01:23)
It's like, I don't think we talk about death enough. It's like, you can't talk about that. Well, you know what? We're all gonna die. Why are we trying to protect our children from this? They're gonna die. But to your question of why don't we talk about our deceased ones, it does. But I am terrified of death and I think if it was spoken about in a different way, perhaps I wouldn't be so terrified.

Roula (01:38)
It sounds so morose, they're gonna die.

Rosie (01:55)
just leave that thought with you. Why do we not talk about our deceased loved ones as much? ⁓ I love talking about my mum and dad, but I don't do it often. Why don't I do it? Well, I don't want people to feel uncomfortable. I sometimes, like for example with my sister, sometimes I might not bring up mum and dad because I don't want to make her sad. I'm worried I might trigger her or something.

Especially if I'm having a bad day and I'm really missing them. Like maybe I don't want to bring that up in case she's having a good day. But you know what? I love talking about Mum and Dad. And when people who knew Mum and Dad message me and share memories, ⁓ fucking love it. I might laugh and I might cry. But it's so special because if we don't talk about them, it's as if we're saying they didn't exist.

Roula (02:51)
Yeah.

Well, my siblings don't talk about our deceased parents. I find myself sending pictures that I have of them or mentioning them, talking about them, but there isn't, how can I say? I think everyone deal with grief differently and I cannot say they must talk about them. I just don't help.

Rosie (03:00)
Mmm.

Yeah.

Roula (03:22)
not understanding why they don't talk about them. It could be because it hurts so much they don't want to bring up the topic. And I know many people when topics are hurtful they prefer to put it under the rug, it. And also, so I'm in two groups, three actually, but two that are active. My siblings group app and my cousins group app. And we all lost our parents.

Rosie (03:25)
Mmm.

just bury it yes yes

Yeah, okay.

Roula (03:53)
And I'm the only one who mentions our parents. And I feel that maybe I should stop because it probably makes them uncomfortable because they don't mention it. And the point here is what I'm trying to make is that sometimes, and I hear this from few friends already that have deceased parents, they love to talk about them, but they don't know how and when. But also, Rosie, sometimes.

Rosie (04:16)
Yeah.

Yes.

Roula (04:21)
I just want to cry my eyes out because I miss my mom or my dad. I just want to have a day of crying because I'm not gonna see them anymore. What the fu-

Rosie (04:26)
Mmm, yeah.

Right?

And that sucks. Like, it really does. And so it was mum and dad's birthdays, it would have been their birthdays this month. And then September is the anniversary of both of their deaths. So September and October, really, I find it really hard. And I remember...

Roula (04:36)
It sucks!

Rosie (04:51)
I can't remember if it was the night before dad's death anniversary or mom's. Anyway, around that time, I was just bawling my eyes out. We were talking about ugly crying recently. I was ugly crying. And it was so cathartic and healing. I just needed to fucking let it all out. I felt, I needed to let it out. It just felt like I'd been holding it in for so long, trying to keep it together. Because people think after a certain amount of time, well,

Roula (05:13)
Yeah.

Rosie (05:20)
The grieving's over. No it's not!

Roula (05:25)
I don't think it ever ends and grieving each person is different. I know that when I was grieving my dad, it was very different than my mom because I had different relationships with them. And grieving my dad, it took me much longer to start missing him because it took me very long to understand who he was after his death.

Rosie (05:27)
No.

Yes. ⁓

Mmm.

Yes.

Mmm.

⁓ yeah.

Roula (05:55)
But I knew who my

mom was before her death.

So that's why my griefing with both of them is different. And you know what? I said this after my mom passed away. I said this to my siblings. When we say we miss someone, I don't know what it means. I only started knowing what it means to miss someone is after my mom passed away.

Rosie (06:24)
Wow.

Roula (06:25)
Because the words, I miss you, I can't use it anymore in the same way. Because knowing I'm going to see someone, I'm not going to say I miss you. But knowing I'm not going to see my mom, it's really worth saying I miss her. Do you know what I mean?

Rosie (06:33)
Mmm.

Yeah, wow. Yeah, because you're not going to see her again. I mean, depending on your beliefs, right? I don't believe in a heaven or anything. Some people say, you know, you'll join them eventually. yeah.

Roula (06:58)
I believe that I see them

in my dreams and it's true I dream of them. But I don't believe I'm going to see them in the afterlife. It's not what I believe.

Rosie (07:01)
Yeah, wow. No, neither. And so,

yes, you miss them deeply and it physically hurts.

sometimes. Okay here's a question for you. So I only learnt the other week that it was the anniversary of your mum's death. Was it in September? Yeah? 10th of September.

Roula (07:16)
Yes, okay.

10th of September. Yeah.

Rosie (07:29)
Do, does anyone ever message you saying, I'm thinking of you today?

Roula (07:35)
No. No one.

Rosie (07:36)
How would you

feel if someone did?

Roula (07:39)
⁓ goodness. That, if it's a friend, this friend is a friend forever. You know? If it's a family member, yes, they would be really like engraved in my heart forever.

Rosie (07:46)
Yeah.

Yeah.

The reason I ask, I'm adding it in my calendar right now because I couldn't remember the date, is it means a lot when people message me.

Roula (07:59)
Yeah.

Rosie (08:12)
remembering like I'm thinking of you today, da da da, like both on the birthdays and the anniversary of the death. And I made a friend earlier this year, we're quite close now. And funnily enough, we met through TikTok, but she lost her husband, she's remarried now, to cancer. So she understands death and we talk to each other and she, without telling me, she saved the dates of, you know, when my mum and dad died and when...

their birthdays were because it had come up in conversation and she messaged me on each of those days. Didn't have to be a long message and I was just like I have close friends who don't do that. I don't even know if they remember. There's one friend I think she knows but she doesn't like message saying hey thinking of you today it's just

Roula (08:49)
⁓ wow.

Rosie (09:08)
unspoken. Even my ex didn't acknowledge it. Right? ⁓ hello, we are never gonna fucking forget. I mean, hey, we might forget the date, but we we know our parents are dead. And we're not forgetting that. So I would say and of course, everyone's different. But if anyone's listening, and they have someone in their life who's lost a loved one, and you're not you don't want to upset them, or you're not sure what to say.

Roula (09:09)
She doesn't want to remind you of the day, probably.

Yeah, that's what I think.

Rosie (09:39)
No one's per... Just say something. It could just be, thinking of you, or I know I can't make it any better, but I just wanted to say I'm really thinking of you. It will mean so much. Yeah.

Roula (09:48)
Do you think, Rosie,

if someone would, let's say someone, a friend, whatever, send me a message thinking of you today, and I'm like, why? because it's the date your mom passed, and I'm like, ⁓ shit, don't remind me of that. I don't want to think about it. There are also people who are in a place where they don't want to think about it, because it's so painful.

Rosie (10:13)
God, yeah. Yeah, so I guess it's trial and error and you're gonna have to have some open communication. ⁓ would err on the side of saying something and hopefully you're in a relationship where the other person would be able to say hey, I know you were trying to be thoughtful but in future it would suit me better if you didn't say that. Right.

Roula (10:15)
But yeah.

That's the thing.

Yeah, that's also nice to say. Actually, I'm

going to ask my siblings in our group app if they all feel comfortable with me bringing up our parents so often. Or not.

Rosie (10:42)
Mm.

Awesome idea.

Yeah. Maybe they like it. Who knows? They just don't know how to do it. Right.

Roula (10:56)
They don't have to do the same as long as

they don't feel bothered by it. And dear listeners, if you go to rosieandroula.com you can go back to our episode about migraine. Why? Because on that episode, I talk on a day that I had a migraine and I was with my mom on that day, 10th of September. And then I realized it's her death memory. Is this how we say it?

Rosie (11:11)
Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Roula (11:26)
Anyway, what I want to say, if you go to rosieandroula.com to the episode, migraine, if you're grieving and you want to know you're not alone, listen to it because it might give you some solace.

Rosie (11:37)
Yeah, I'm not sure if it was episode 165 where you spoke about your migraine or if maybe it was a different one about a dream, but go to the website and search because it's fancy and it's cool and we want you to listen to all the episodes. Also, I'm being very demanding, but please make sure you're actually following or subscribed to the podcast because most of you are not. I'm calling you out. You listen, but you're not subscribed.

And it would be amazing if you could leave us a review. You can do it on our website, rosieandroula.com

Roula (12:11)
It helps us very much if you subscribe because it makes our podcast visible to other people. When you subscribe, when you leave a rating and a review, other people will see it in their search much quicker. And this will help us to keep going and find the motivation.

Rosie (12:14)
Yeah.

Yeah, right? Like bottom line, if I don't feel loved, eventually I am going to give up. So please share some love, everybody.

Roula (12:36)
I'm giving her enough love so that she doesn't give up. And you know what? ⁓ Let us know in the comments how you're feeling today. Are you missing someone that you cannot see anymore? We can probably just send you a virtual hug, but believe me, it's going to be from our heart.

Rosie (12:46)
Yeah. Yeah.

Definitely.

Roula (12:57)
Thank you for listening. Bye!

Rosie (12:59)
Bye.